Week 20: Oh baby!

Alhamdulillah... I couldn't thank God enough for giving me the strength and courage to face the turbulent first trimester journey... If I thought back about it, I will shudder and try to think of something else.

Baby is now at 20 weeks. Ramadhan had started yesterday. Ramadhan, the month we lost our first baby 2 years back. Somehow, aku berserah dan bertawakal sepenuhnya kepada Ilahi atas nyawa anakku ini. After all, from Him this baby cometh, and to Him he/she will returned...

So coming back to Ramadhan. I entered Ramadhan gingerly and cautiously. Since entering Week 19, my energy and appetite has slowly returned. I only threw up once last week - and that was more to psychological factor (i.e. brushing teeth automatically made me gag). And... if I did not eat on time, I will be so hungry till I shiver in hunger. So I had no idea whether I could complete fasting for a day.

Yesterday thank God again, I managed to last till the breaking of fast. But oh dear! We were so exhausted! Too exhausted till we fell asleep after Maghrib and then throughout the night till the next morning when hubby had to wake up to prepare sahur.

The exhaustion was due to the traffic jam we had to endure to go back (1 hour+). Then we had to cook meal for breaking of fast. I was simply tired from carrying the baby and fasting. So this morning I suggested we should go to work by bike to save time and energy to do our assignment tonight.

Hubby flatly refused my suggestion, saying that he doesn't want to endanger baby's life. I sulked - coz i hate traffic jam and I figured out that I had not had any problem of spotting / bleeding since June and I am already in my second trimester so the worry is unnecessary. So there we were, silent in the car because I know we'll reach home late and we'll be tired like yesterday.

Work as always. Sigh. I somehow found dealing with elderly clerk DOES test my patience... Especially clerk who thinks she's old enough to take any instructions from young executive like me. I mean, does she have to raise her voice at me just because I ask for clarifications? Or ask her to join a meeting first without me? Tiba-tiba terkenangkan the other elderly clerk I had to put up with when I first joined this company. Secretly, I hope this clerk will also get transferred elsewhere soon. I have enough problems to deal with and I don't need this extra emotional stress.

Anyway, by afternoon when I went to the restroom, I was dismayed to find that I had brownish blood on my pantyliner. It was not just spotting, this was like heavy discharge. I quickly washed up, stared in the mirror and held my tummy trying desperately to feel any movement.

Then I went out, managed to get hold of my boss to inform her of my finding and to get excuse to leave early to go to my clinic. Then I called hubby and he came within 30 minutes, I packed up and just left the office in haste. Despite it all, I took several deep breaths and tried to convince myself not to panic. This is just a test from God to see how sincere I am in saying that I trust Him with my baby's life...

Reached Samuel Clinic 2o minutes later. Luckily not so many patients in the clinic. I was relieved to see the familiar gentle face of our gynae despite my turbulent feelings. In worried tone, I told her I had bleeding again and described how the bleeding looked like. Then she took my blood pressure and then I was back on the check-up table for ultrasound scan.

The doctor, sensing my anxiety gently patted my hand and told me not to worry and that everything is fine. I was not convinced until I saw the baby's heartbeats. When she zoomed in, the first thing that caught my attention was the baby's movement - boy, it was enough to put me at rest immediately! The baby was actively moving, turning his/her body here and there, and the head as well. It was probably sucking his/her thumb, with legs crossed.

The doctor turned up the volume so we could hear baby's heartbeats (thumping strongly and normal-ly...) and hubby asked whether the baby is doing ok. The doctor reassured us that there is nothing wrong with the heartbeats and baby seemed quite active (phew!). I asked about the location of the placenta, still not satisfied with the unexplainable bleeding.

The doctor then pointed the placenta - it was behind baby, still blocking the entry. But, since it is only 2nd trimester, she said most probably the placenta will move away as the baby grows.

'Probably the baby's movement is causing the bleeding. But don't worry, as far as I'm concerned from this ultrasound scan, everything looks ok.' She said, and then added, 'Take care of your feelings, don't get stressed out and no need to worry. I'll give you one day mc so you can rest at home.'

Oh baby! You made us so scared! Suddenly I felt like crying - with relief. I can't bear the thought of losing another baby. I love you so much baby!

The good news, since we left office early, we managed to avoid massive queue and reached home half an hour earlier than yesterday. Maybe this is baby's way of solving mom and dad's disagreement amicably? Dad gets to drive to work and Mom gets to reach home early? Heh. Pandai anak mak! Nasib baik kau kat dalam perut, kalau tak mak cubit-cubit manja pipi baby tau... :p

All in all, I am thankful to God that baby is still alive and well inside of me. I pray that he/she will be born healthy and full-term. In the first place, syukur alhamdulillah for blessing us with this gift.

One week short to 2nd trimester

A fortnight ago, I stepped into the rest room and saw that I was spotting. This time, it was quite a lot.

I tried to remain calm and called KLMC to see the O&G doctor, but I was told that O&G is only available on Tuesday. So, ever so trying not to panic, I called En Suami so that we could straight away go to the Samuel clinic to check it out.

Alhamdulillah, the baby still has its heartbeats and at 11 weeks, it is resembling more like a mini human (although more like basic engineering) rather than a... reptile.

As we watched its heartbeats, we could not help feeling overwhelmed by how strong those heartbeats are, and how steady they are. Somehow, this baby showed the will to survive and I am very proud of its accomplishment.

I know I have not been a good mommy ever since I started my morning sickness. Like, skipping folic acid and hardly taking whatever pills the doctor prescribed to me. The thing is, there is a very strong aversion towards anything to do with medicine and I guess this is one trait that I will pass on to my little child later on (if he/she survived).

Last week, the baby turned 12 weeks old in my uterus and it has officially entered month 3. From here onwards, I pray to God that the journey will be less turbulent and may this time, our prayers be answered.

The prayer for the little one.

8 weeks?

Do you know how frustrating it is to know that your pregnancy timeline is dragged back to a week earlier? Do you know what 1 week means to a pregnant lady like me?

1 week is 1 week closer to trimester 2.
1 week closer to end the tumultous journey.
1 week closer to safety.
1 week less worrying.
1 week less of morning sickness!

I regretted being worried over the lack of pregnancy symptoms a couple of weeks back. Come this week, the nausea heightened and ladies & gentlemen, welcome to the puking club!

There I was a few weeks back, appetite turned on to the max. Semua benda aku nampak, semua rasa nak sumbat dalam tekak. Nausea was there too, but it lessened the moment I shoved something into my mouth. No vomitting yet. Happily I piled on weight like nobody's business.

Came this week. Suddenly I woke up and brushing my teeth is no longer just an irritating business, it's a full-blown risk of throwing up. Then mid-week, I started to throw up. Now I throw up in earnest. My routine is, makan and then wait for one or two hours. Then go to the toilet and heave it out. Then makan again.

But I'm trying to think positive of the vomitting. I am thinking, 'well, at least I won't put on too much weight and I can eat again after that (and repeat the whole process).' Only, the not so positive part is, getting down with that awful headache just before I throw up, and then my inability to control my vomitting and I will vomit till nothing else will come out and this sour-ish, bile-ish thing come out (which makes me want to throw up more).

Deep breath. Ok Carneyz. No complaints. No crying. This is normal pregnancy symptoms. As long as you have these symptoms, your baby is doing ok in there.

Anyway, the reason why I blog today is because we had our ultrasound check-up again today. Our first check-up was two weeks ago, back then I had spotting and we were so worried that I checked around for a clinic that could carry out vaginal ultrasound coz the normal ultrasound is not good enough to detect any heartbeats this early.

I'll discuss more about this spotting issue later on.

So, my dearest friend Bib helped us out and told us about this one clinic she went to last time when she discovered that she had miscarriage. The clinic is in Jalan Tun Razak, and it's a maternity specialist clinic. So we went there, registered ourselves and waited for our ultrasound turn. The doctor is a nice Indian lady, and when we finally get to see (albeit briefly) the heartbeats on the ultrasound machine we were so relieved.

Back to this afternoon. The clinic was half empty in the afternoon. I was the third patient. When I came in, the nurse asked me to pee in a cup, weighed me and then sent me in to see the doctor. I managed to see that my sugar level is ok, my blood pressure is ok and according to the doctor, the weight I put on is reasonable (0.7kg). I better check this up on the Internet later. I don't want to gain weight too rapidly coz it might risk the pregnancy.

After all the check-ups are done, it was time to hop on the examination bed and have the ultrasound. Unfortunately Suami Terchenta did not join us and therefore, missed the whole experience which he had been looking forward to since last week.

At first the ultrasound only showed a bigger sac compared to last time and a still image of something blurry in the middle of the sac. I asked hesitantly, thinking 'Oh dear, here we go again, no heartbeats!' 'Doctor, where's the heartbeats?'

The doctor started to measure the fetus, and confirmed that it is only 8 weeks and 2 days old (I thought I was already 9 weeks!). Then she zoomed in the image, and pointed to the middle of the fetus. I could see something moving rapidly. 'There's the heartbeats. You can even listen to them.'

She turned on the volume, but I guess the equipment was not as canggih as the one in Pusrawi, so I couldn't really distinguish the sound from the echo of the ultrasound, but I could see a steady sound wave on the screen which I guess, I could settle with.

Alhamdullillah. Despite the repeated spotting and our misgivings, the fetus is still surviving and growing steadily in my womb. I hope the fetus will keep on fighting for its survival, and develop into a perfectly healthy baby. However, from here to the 9th month is still a long way to go. Even from 8 to 9 weeks seems ages!

In the end, even though the nausea, the headache and the vomiting are really pulling me down, I do not mind going through them all if it means my baby is doing ok.

I hope that my nausea will subside in my second trimester because by that time, I'm doing a new job and I'm starting my Masters at the same time and I need my health back. Amin.

A Little Retrospection

Next week I might be 7 weeks pregnant. Or maybe 8. I don't know. None of the doctors I met want to confirm that through scanning. All they blabbered about is how it is too small to see and please come again in 4 weeks' time.

In 4 weeks' time, anything can happened as I found out during my first pregnancy. So, I can only hope it will not happen again. I just don't trust myself that well. Let's say, my pregnancy record is rather gloomy. Like, 100% failure, 0% success (oh well, it was our first baby).

Books I read said I should not worry too much. Babies are resilient little things. Maybe they are, but maybe my womb is not that sustaining. I just want to know how is the little one doing in there. Any heartbeats yet? Growing ok? Anyone in there?

I note that this pregnancy is less demanding that the last one. I got tired, but not all the time tired. Tired, but not exhausted. Not all-round-the-clock fatigue and sleepiness. I don't frequently go to the toilet. I can sleep all night long and only go to the toilet when I wake up in the morning. In the beginning, my boobs ached, but now I hardly notice the pain. My feet are still ok. My back does not hurt. I must have meals on time coz of the hunger pangs, but my hunger doesn't leave me shaking all over like previous pregnancy. The most I get is throbbing head coz of my empty stomach.

This week, I started to notice that I burp more often but the effort is quite unpleasant (it was between burping out gas, and feeling like throwing up). So I guess that nausea has started. Welcome, morning sickness.

Sometimes the pregnancy symptoms are so mild or non-existent I tend to worry that I am only having false pregnant in the first place (blighted ovum, for example), or I have lost the baby (again).

That is why, I have reservations about the little one. I don't want to go all out with my showers of love and affection, only to find out he/she is gone a couple of weeks later. I'm sorry, baby. Until the pregnancy is well established, I cannot write like how I used to write to our first baby. Or I will end up breaking my heart and getting all traumatized again.

Today, I started thinking. If this little one sees it through the 9 months' journey, what next? Still working? Quit job and stay at home raising the baby? Find another job that is less demanding (and less pay) but more time for the baby? What next, Carneyz?

I don't know. I hope I will know along the way. Just like how I knew it was the right thing to marry this guy. I just know. Full conviction. With every single beat of my heart, I know he is my jodoh.

I wish I would know sooner though. I know I will come to a cross-road at the end of a 9-month journey. My colleague sighs every time she has to travel and leave her babies behind. I don't want to make that decision. It's tough enough getting pregnant, only to leave my baby every time duty calls. Besides, I don't really like my job. Ok, that's an under-statement. I loathe my job. Detest. Hate. Phew. I said it.

I was very, very close to tender my resignation last month. I had a strong cause to do that. I was not aware that I was pregnant, but something made me determined to get it over and done with. I couldn't handle the misery and ridiculous demands of my job.

But somehow, things and circumstances stopped me. I wished I had stuck to that decision. Imagine how free I would be by the time the baby is due? *smiling at wishful thinking*

No more stress. No more break downs. No more tears. No more anger. No more worries. No more. I can utilize my time as and how I wish it to be. I can play with the baby all day long, or rest, or work on improving my graphic design skills, or write a book or anything at all.

But the thoughts of leaving all financial responsibility on my poor husband... unbearable. Look at the man. He has to do double job to have a bit of savings in his account. If it wasn't for his side income project, his salary is hardly enough to make ends meet. My salary goes into savings, but at the rate of inflation now, it will only sustain us for a few months should anything happen to any of us.

So. A new job then, it means. Should the pregnancy survive, I will have to find a new job, slightly less take-home pay, but more time for family. No more stay-backs. Late meetings. Travels. Nope. I hope to find a job that does not require all that.

Let us both do our part, baby. You keep on surviving and growing healthily until full-term, and I will find a better, down-graded job for the sake of you. After all, you are worth more than all the money in the world could offer. A few extra hundred ringgits are a laughing value compared to you.

I promise you.

Rezeki Yang Tidak Diduga

Today, something happened that made me go, 'Wow. For real???'

Over the past three weeks, I had been feeling:

1. I love Coke. I loooooovvvvveeeee Coke. I wanna drink Coke all the time. Coke with ice. Chilled Coke. Coke float. Coke is my new addiction.
2. If someone bugged me about work, I wanna bite their heads off. Ok, maybe that's not so uncommon. I have a high-stress occupation. But, to the point of threatening my SM to resign over something I don't agree? Talk about drama!
3. My boobs ache. They start with this regular, I'm-about-to-start-PMS ache, then the ache starts to exaggerate and becomes full-blown the-cool-air-I-passed-by-nearly-crippled-my-boobs ache.
4. I have been having that feeling of slight abdominal discomfort, like, I'm about to get my period but it never showed up. I got ditched by my own period.
5. Ok. I admit it. The symptoms are fishy enough to make me feel suspicious that these are not just PMS. These.are.nothing.usual.

So today. I think I've had enough of, 'Pregnant? Not pregnant???' thoughts buzzing in my head and my achy boobs are beginning to annoy me when I rolled away from bed this morning that I decided to end the puzzle by buying a pregnancy test.

We were grocery-shopping at Giant, and then I asked for a ten from Suami Terchenta to buy the pregnancy test. I hopped over to Guardian, bought the cheapest stick and then we went back. Once we reached home, after putting away our groceries, I took the test kit and went into the toilet to end the puzzle 'once-and-for-all'. After following the guideline, I dipped the stick in my urine, waited for the stick to absorb the liquid and watched out for the line(s) as it began to appear.

There's no way I'm pregnant,' I thought to myself. It's going to be another negative result. Just you wait and see, Carneyz.

Not more than 20 seconds, slowly another line began to appear. My jaws dropped open, my eyes grew bigger. What the...?

I quickly cleaned up and went out, holding the stick in my hand. Suami Terchenta had that, 'ok, it's another negative i just knew it' expression I knew so well. He opened his mouth and asked, 'So, what is it?'

'Can you just believe this?' I shoved the kit at him. The faint line was still there. He stared at it. Then at me, his face uncomprehending at first. Ok, we both were freaked out. After like, how many? failed pregnancy tests, suddenly this is positive even though we haven't started our treatment yet? How is that possible?

After a while, I told him, 'Ok, we need to do another test to confirm this. This might be a false alarm. Quick, get me a more expensive stick!'

So hubby went out and 20 minutes later, came back with another test kit. I gulped down a glass a water to fill up my bladders again, waited for five minutes and then went in for a second test.

To our amazement, the second one also turned out positive! We hugged, laughed and congratulated each other, 'Good job, dear! You're about to become a parent!'

Afternoon, we went to a clinic to get professional opinion and also to do an ultrasound. The scan showed that our fetus is just 17.7mm and the whole pregnancy is just 5weeks and 2 days old. Since I experienced spotting on Monday (which we figured out why but we didn't tell the doctor, hehehe), the doctor warned us that it might be yet another threatened pregnancy and we should lie low and not get too excited until the pregnancy is past 8 weeks. She advised us to go again for another confirmation check-up in four weeks' time.

So, if God wills it, I might be pregnant and this time, it's a natural pregnancy. That's what we called, 'rezeki yang tidak diduga.'

There is a hikmah when I had chickenpox last month, because it made me lose 5kgs. In turn, I believed it regulated my hormone and I was able to produce and release my egg. It also covered me from the risk of getting chickenpox during pregnancy, especially now chickenpox is rampant.

I thank You God, You have reasons for everything that happened. Alhamdullillah.

At the moment, I'll just keep quiet about this pregnancy, and hope for the best. But, if it did not work out like my first pregnancy, I will keep my trust in God, because everything has a hikmah including miscarriages.

I love you, baby

Every morning, when I woke up, I patted my stomach and whispered, 'Sayang baby Ummi.'

I love you, baby.

One day, I woke up and with tears in my eyes I put a hand on my stomach.

'God loves you more than I do.'

The pain of not being able to hold you in my arms is still too great for me to bear. You will never call me 'Ummi' but you will always be my baby love.

Thank you for making me happy, baby. Even if it is just a short while.

Love, Ummi

1 Week Short to 3 Months!

My dear little child,

First of all, forgive me for neglecting to write on your development every week as what I had promised myself. Work has been piling up lately and I have been kept busy that by the time I reached home, I was totally wiped out.

This week you turned 10 weeks old in my uterus & next Tuesday, you will be 11 weeks old - you've grown your fingers, all your vital organs and you are rapidly developing the rest of yourself faster than anyone can say 'Boo'. Every day I will give you a pat on my stomach and praise you for your industrious efforts of growing. Yup, judging by the size of my stomach and the rapidly growing pile of pants which I can't fit into anymore, you are definitely hard at work in there.

My dear little fella,

It is now the month of Ramadhan and I usually love fasting month for various reasons. However, this year is a totally different experience for me - after breaking of fast and prayers, I would crumple up on the sofa and die a slow, excruciating death sleep my head off. I'm THAT tired.

Many people were taken aback when I decided to fast this Ramadhan. They popped questions such as, 'Can you handle it?', 'What time are you planning to break fast?' and 'Don't you pity the baby?' (Tak kesian ke ngan baby you?)

I am appalled that people can think that I can heartlessly starve my growing baby, but honestly, there's nothing wrong with fasting during pregnancy. I diligently wake up an hour before dawn to have a wholesome meal and lots of milk to sustain you throughout the day. I make sure that I don't skip my med. I try to eat a lot more than I feel like I can stomach just to ensure that you are not affected in any way while I perform this ibadah. At night, I drink glasses of water so my body has enough fluid to carry the nutrients to you.

So, back off you non-believers! My baby is doing ok, God's will!

As a result of these efforts, I have to go to toilet every so often that I automatically rise to go to toilet while my eyes are still closed. I also gain weight rapidly which totally had me freaked out (I'm not falling for Abah's excuse for my weight gain is because of a tinier-than-grapefruit you).

My dear little child,

Despite fasting for more than 12 hours for the past 19 days, miraculously I hardly fall sick. You've been such a good baby, rarely tinkering with my hormones that causes me all these pregnancy simptoms. Except for the first week of Ramadhan when I was feeling gas-sy, feverish and a lot of other nasty feelings, the following weeks proved to be the best ever time since I conceived several weeks back. So I'm now a Sleeping Monster (I can sleep non-stop if Abah didn't wake me), but I actually feel GREAT. I stop having bitter taste in my mouth, my appetite is good, I stop feeling nauseated all the time and my body is not crying out in pain & discomfort. Sometimes I wonder whether being pregnant was just a dream.

My dear little child,

Pregnancy has taught me to be grateful for God's every day blessing of health, which I used to take for granted for stupid reasons such as racing the deadline and wanting to be a perfectionist at work that I always sacrifice my sleep & psychological well-being (imagine all those stresses that led to gastric, migraine, etc.). For now, health is as precious as souls, and your health is more precious than my entire life.

I must admit that I feel lucky that I don't suffer from vomitting and throbbing headaches during the first trimester - and my health improves by leaps & bounds these past few weeks. This allows me to concentrate on learning my new job and carrying out my tasks at the office. Alhamdullillah, I can't thank God enough for giving me good health while carrying you.

With fasting, I want to teach you that God will not harm those who obey Him even though on the surface it seems like a perilous journey all the way to heaven. Just like He won't sacrifice Ismail the Prophet A.S., even though He commandeth Prophet Ibrahim A.S. to take his own son's life.

When you are born my dear, remember this lesson and do not find excuses to abandon your duties as a Moslem. Because on you, I put my hope to bring the lights of Islam to this world, to my world and my soul.

Grow well, my baby. Meanwhile, be patient for the next 11 days. I shall reward you with plenty of kek lapis and Grandma's delicious raya dishes when we get through this month together.


Love,
Ummi