The First to (Hopefully) The Many, Many Letters to My Fourth Child.

Speechless.

There's only one word to describe the discovery I made on 12 September 2022, 6.20am.

There had been signs, subtle signs that I simply mistook as Mrs Flow is coming for her monthly visits. Dull cramping the previous week's Tuesday. Sore boobs. Depressed mood.

And there were more - now that I recalled it. I remember being super exhausted and took a long long afternoon nap even though I had a restful and hit the target sleep duration the night before. Sunday 11 September 2022, I felt as if I was about to come down with fever and while going out for lunch with my sister and the girls I felt chills. 

I had doubts but nonetheless I decided to get a pregnancy test kit because my period was late.

That night I called hubby (he was in kampung because his grandfather passed away) and told him I was not feeling well. In his usual fashion, he told me to 'take a panadol' and get over it (yes, yes I've long accepted his very unromantic love).

I woke up to a full bladder, but I managed to grab the test kit and did it anyway. While waiting for the result, I washed up and went to wash my hands.

I had expected the result to be negative.

And here it was, as bright and clear as it could get:

I stared at it, not believing my eyes. We had stopped trying years ago and had accepted that we would only have our 2 girls who were born on our wedding anniversary. Of course we had spoken about trying for another one but I had always expected that it will be through another fertility treatment (oh, how this is so unexpected I don't know how to react!)

I don't know how long I sat down staring at the test kit, wondering if I should inform my dearest husband who had asked me to take a pill and chill the night before. In the end, I couldn't chill. I snapped a photo of the test kit and sent it to him.

A minute later, he told me that he is changing his flight to that night. I told him there was simply no need, but then again, that is how my dear child, your father shows his love. He doesn't sweet talk, but he will be there in a heartbeat when I need him.

Because I need him to freak out with me together. Freak out how to be a new parent after 10 years since your big sister, Khadeeja.

Love,

Mummy (I have come to accept that it is not me who determined the title, but it was your sisters who chose to call me Mummy not Ummi or Mak)

Dear Allah, we accept this blessing with open and hopeful hearts. We pray for this pregnancy to be healthy and peaceful journey. We pray for strengths. We pray for guidance. Ameen Ya Rabbal Alamin...