Letter to Myself.

Dear Self,

Yesterday was the first official antenatal checkup since confirming the pregnancy 5 weeks ago.

I know how much you love the idea of having another baby after so long.

How you long to hold a baby and nurse the baby.

This body has been bearing with pregnancy symptoms for several weeks now.

Nausea at night, extreme fatigue, bloating, warm body temperature.

But yesterday, I saw with my own eyes that there is just an empty sac.

No heartbeat as there should be at this week. No little bowed figure sucking its thumb.

It's just an empty home where a baby should be.

The doctor said most likely the baby did not develop. It's just a blighted embryo.

It's not my fault. It's just not meant to be.

In my heart, I accept this news.

And now you my dear body, have to learn to let go.

Stop having nausea. Stop all the pregnancy symptoms. 

Let go of the pregnancy.

Let it pass.

For Allah has better plans for you.

Let the body heal itself.

Dear Self,

I love you and I appreciate how this body has made the pregnancy happen in the first place.

But now it's time to let go, and resume the normal cycle.

It's ok.

I'm ok.

Just let it go.

A Different Kind of Experience

Since my last post, I had been monitoring my pregnancy symptoms for 2 reasons - one, to make sure that the baby is still there (symptoms = healthy pregnancy) and two, to compare with my previous experiences.

With my 2 princesses, I had bad nausea and by week 9 (this week), I started vomiting in earnest. Trimester 1 was very tough for me with my two girls hence why although I very much wanted to get pregnant, I dreaded it very much.

This time around, I had nausea at night (throbbing headaches, extra saliva, and bad metallic taste in my mouth), thank God. I am so far fine during the day but come night time, get nauseated.

Not to say daytime is all bliss though. Around 11am onwards, my energy started to go downhill and I have no choice but to lie down and nap because I was too exhausted to stay awake.

Bloated tummy made me look like I am 6 months pregger, good gracious. I am going to find the time to resume my brisk walking after all this moving house business (this is the 2nd time we moved houses when I was pregnant) to help with digestion.

Alhamdulillah the terrible drowsiness which was the side effect of taking methyldopa had worn off so I wasn't sleepy all the time - just between 11am - 3pm.

Anyway, we've decided to do our monthly check ups at KKIA and only schedule appointment with PCMC when we hit 7 months' pregnancy. I don't see any reason to spend so much money on monthly check ups and based on my previous experiences I wanted to avoid being referred to see other specialists (and being charged extra!) whenever my doctor said I need to. Plus, if we decided to switch to government hospital at least we had our monthly check up records at government clinic.

So we'll be seeing you again next week at 10 weeks (hopefully), sayang. Till then, grow well and be healthy.

Love,

Mummy

Praying For Everything to Be All Right.

Last week (week 6) is the week I was waiting for because we wanted to confirm our pregnancy through transvaginal ultrasound.

It's been so long since we were on this journey, that we were not sure where to go. In the end, we went to a specialist clinic in Wangsa Maju because it has a flawless rating on Google. Wow, mom & dad have certainly been out of touch with all this routine.

Alhamdulillah, doctor spotted a sac in there, although it was too early to see heartbeats. The clinic test kit also came back positive.

The doctor was being realistic when he said it was too early to put up any hope. Due to my medical condition (hypertension), he also wanted to run blood tests especially when I mention that my last medical checkup detected protein in urine. 

It was not surprising to us that he was concerned about this pregnancy, with me being in the 40s and having hypertension it was the right reaction. I on the other hand, leave it to God and trust that He knows best. Maybe the fact that I'm 40, my life outlook tends to be a lot more chill compared to previous pregnancies!

The good thing about this visit is the doctor changed my hypertension medication to methyldopa that is pregnancy safe since I was previously prescribed with amlodipine. Oh but how I dreaded taking this meds! It made me awfully sleepy and tired, like I had just run a marathon without a break. So I slept almost all the time, even almost falling asleep when I was brisk walking (to keep my weight gain in check).

Praying for everything to be all right, praying for a healthy and viable pregnancy, a safe and positive birth experience and a healthy baby at the end of this journey, ameen...

The First to (Hopefully) The Many, Many Letters to My Fourth Child.

Speechless.

There's only one word to describe the discovery I made on 12 September 2022, 6.20am.

There had been signs, subtle signs that I simply mistook as Mrs Flow is coming for her monthly visits. Dull cramping the previous week's Tuesday. Sore boobs. Depressed mood.

And there were more - now that I recalled it. I remember being super exhausted and took a long long afternoon nap even though I had a restful and hit the target sleep duration the night before. Sunday 11 September 2022, I felt as if I was about to come down with fever and while going out for lunch with my sister and the girls I felt chills. 

I had doubts but nonetheless I decided to get a pregnancy test kit because my period was late.

That night I called hubby (he was in kampung because his grandfather passed away) and told him I was not feeling well. In his usual fashion, he told me to 'take a panadol' and get over it (yes, yes I've long accepted his very unromantic love).

I woke up to a full bladder, but I managed to grab the test kit and did it anyway. While waiting for the result, I washed up and went to wash my hands.

I had expected the result to be negative.

And here it was, as bright and clear as it could get:

I stared at it, not believing my eyes. We had stopped trying years ago and had accepted that we would only have our 2 girls who were born on our wedding anniversary. Of course we had spoken about trying for another one but I had always expected that it will be through another fertility treatment (oh, how this is so unexpected I don't know how to react!)

I don't know how long I sat down staring at the test kit, wondering if I should inform my dearest husband who had asked me to take a pill and chill the night before. In the end, I couldn't chill. I snapped a photo of the test kit and sent it to him.

A minute later, he told me that he is changing his flight to that night. I told him there was simply no need, but then again, that is how my dear child, your father shows his love. He doesn't sweet talk, but he will be there in a heartbeat when I need him.

Because I need him to freak out with me together. Freak out how to be a new parent after 10 years since your big sister, Khadeeja.

Love,

Mummy (I have come to accept that it is not me who determined the title, but it was your sisters who chose to call me Mummy not Ummi or Mak)

Dear Allah, we accept this blessing with open and hopeful hearts. We pray for this pregnancy to be healthy and peaceful journey. We pray for strengths. We pray for guidance. Ameen Ya Rabbal Alamin...