It's a...

Dear baby,

It's been a while since I last wrote about you. Did I mention how crestfallen I was during the last checkup because I couldn't see your gender? Well, it's not your fault, you were sleeping. Nevertheless I was looking forward to the next checkup which eventually came yesterday.

Yesterday you turned 5 months in my tummy. Hooray for baby! ;) Every day you make your presence felt especially after I had Iftar. You tended to kick and somersault as if you were so delighted that tasty food is passing the umbilical cord. Hehe.

Everybody was so sure that this time around I'm carrying a boy. This pregnancy felt quite different than the first one. Like, how my belly button is sinking in, not poking out. And how I am very concerned with my appearance compared to last time where I didn't give a hoot about makeup or maternity dress. Plus time time my belly is huge for a five month preggie!

But, today. During the scan (you moved this time, albeit not kicking or anything but just stirring inside), Dr Tan was able to have a glimpse of that part. And yeay, Mommy's having another girl! :)

But unlike when I first found out about your sister's gender, the doctor sounded unsure. Last time, the doctor at Samuel Clinic took a look and stated, 'it's a girl' with conviction.

This time, Dr Tan sounded, 'Doesn't look like a boy.' So I took it that you're not a boy.

Boy or girl, we're just happy that you're growing well in there. You measured your age (not big nor small for your age), and active. Daddy was not surprised that you are a girl, because I once told him of a dream I had before I fell pregnant with your sister, of us taking Raya photo - me, Daddy and two little girls whose age are not far apart.

I pray that you will be healthy and safe for the rest of this pregnancy. Happy thriving baby! And I love you as much as I love your sister, Khayla.

Love,
Mommy

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The moments Mom & Dad wait for...

Dear Baby,

Obviously, the moment we discovered about our pregnancy, we worry straight away. Worry why there's no morning sickness symptoms, worry how you're doing in there, worry why there's spotting every time you turned a week older, worry how you're doing in there, worry why everyone else seemed to feel movement at week15/16, worry how you're doing in there...

At Week 19, I vaguely feel some 'sensations' in my lower abdomen, some throbbings and unexplainable feelings of a having a whole universe busy at its own activities inside there. But since it is only happening inside and when I put my hands on my tummy to feel those movements and did not feel even the slightest of it, I felt that the whole thing is surreal. Just a figment of my imagination.

Until this week comes. Week 20.

I was obediently following doctor's order to stay in bed on Friday, watching tv and checking Facebook. Suddenly I felt something stirred inside. I placed my hand absent-mindedly just below my navel, and continued watching tv. A few minutes later, something poked out and I could actually feel it!

I stared at my tummy in disbelief, but I did not move my hand. A minute passed by, and then the same sensation of stirring came from inside again, and you poked my tummy again!

Baby,

I was amazed. That night I told Daddy, and he too wanted to feel that movement. But of course, nothing happened. Daddy was deeply disappointed.

Saturday came.

After iftar, I sat on the sofa, contented. I was reading Times Magazine, when I sensed stirring and throbbing sensations to the left of my lower abdomen. Once again, I put my hand on that area, and continued reading. Then it happened again. The Movement, with capital 'M'. I exclaimed loudly to Daddy, 'Cepat bang! Baby gerak lagi!'

Daddy came over in excitement and put his hand on my tummy and even his ear. You must be enjoying yourself, teasing Daddy because you did not repeat that again. He moved away, disappointed. Then you kicked again, and Mommy exclaimed again. Daddy bound over, this time determined to catch the moment.

Then you must have felt kesian with your ol' man, because you kicked again at the same spot. Daddy was thrilled! 'Ya lah! Abang pun rasa!' He placed his ear near that area but of course he could not hear anything la kan... That night, I was kept awake at 2am because that is the hour you party are most active and keep on poking me to the point I had to wake up your father to tell you to sleep. Besok aje main ye baby...

Baby,

Now that you are making big movements that we both could feel, you have no idea how relieved we are. We no longer have to spend endless days and nights worrying whether you are still surviving in there. Just feeling your movements can make us feel so much happier.

Thank you my little cupcake. And keep on surviving.

Love,
Mom & Dad

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Week 20: Oh baby!

Alhamdulillah... I couldn't thank God enough for giving me the strength and courage to face the turbulent first trimester journey... If I thought back about it, I will shudder and try to think of something else.

Baby is now at 20 weeks. Ramadhan had started yesterday. Ramadhan, the month we lost our first baby 2 years back. Somehow, aku berserah dan bertawakal sepenuhnya kepada Ilahi atas nyawa anakku ini. After all, from Him this baby cometh, and to Him he/she will returned...

So coming back to Ramadhan. I entered Ramadhan gingerly and cautiously. Since entering Week 19, my energy and appetite has slowly returned. I only threw up once last week - and that was more to psychological factor (i.e. brushing teeth automatically made me gag). And... if I did not eat on time, I will be so hungry till I shiver in hunger. So I had no idea whether I could complete fasting for a day.

Yesterday thank God again, I managed to last till the breaking of fast. But oh dear! We were so exhausted! Too exhausted till we fell asleep after Maghrib and then throughout the night till the next morning when hubby had to wake up to prepare sahur.

The exhaustion was due to the traffic jam we had to endure to go back (1 hour+). Then we had to cook meal for breaking of fast. I was simply tired from carrying the baby and fasting. So this morning I suggested we should go to work by bike to save time and energy to do our assignment tonight.

Hubby flatly refused my suggestion, saying that he doesn't want to endanger baby's life. I sulked - coz i hate traffic jam and I figured out that I had not had any problem of spotting / bleeding since June and I am already in my second trimester so the worry is unnecessary. So there we were, silent in the car because I know we'll reach home late and we'll be tired like yesterday.

Work as always. Sigh. I somehow found dealing with elderly clerk DOES test my patience... Especially clerk who thinks she's old enough to take any instructions from young executive like me. I mean, does she have to raise her voice at me just because I ask for clarifications? Or ask her to join a meeting first without me? Tiba-tiba terkenangkan the other elderly clerk I had to put up with when I first joined this company. Secretly, I hope this clerk will also get transferred elsewhere soon. I have enough problems to deal with and I don't need this extra emotional stress.

Anyway, by afternoon when I went to the restroom, I was dismayed to find that I had brownish blood on my pantyliner. It was not just spotting, this was like heavy discharge. I quickly washed up, stared in the mirror and held my tummy trying desperately to feel any movement.

Then I went out, managed to get hold of my boss to inform her of my finding and to get excuse to leave early to go to my clinic. Then I called hubby and he came within 30 minutes, I packed up and just left the office in haste. Despite it all, I took several deep breaths and tried to convince myself not to panic. This is just a test from God to see how sincere I am in saying that I trust Him with my baby's life...

Reached Samuel Clinic 2o minutes later. Luckily not so many patients in the clinic. I was relieved to see the familiar gentle face of our gynae despite my turbulent feelings. In worried tone, I told her I had bleeding again and described how the bleeding looked like. Then she took my blood pressure and then I was back on the check-up table for ultrasound scan.

The doctor, sensing my anxiety gently patted my hand and told me not to worry and that everything is fine. I was not convinced until I saw the baby's heartbeats. When she zoomed in, the first thing that caught my attention was the baby's movement - boy, it was enough to put me at rest immediately! The baby was actively moving, turning his/her body here and there, and the head as well. It was probably sucking his/her thumb, with legs crossed.

The doctor turned up the volume so we could hear baby's heartbeats (thumping strongly and normal-ly...) and hubby asked whether the baby is doing ok. The doctor reassured us that there is nothing wrong with the heartbeats and baby seemed quite active (phew!). I asked about the location of the placenta, still not satisfied with the unexplainable bleeding.

The doctor then pointed the placenta - it was behind baby, still blocking the entry. But, since it is only 2nd trimester, she said most probably the placenta will move away as the baby grows.

'Probably the baby's movement is causing the bleeding. But don't worry, as far as I'm concerned from this ultrasound scan, everything looks ok.' She said, and then added, 'Take care of your feelings, don't get stressed out and no need to worry. I'll give you one day mc so you can rest at home.'

Oh baby! You made us so scared! Suddenly I felt like crying - with relief. I can't bear the thought of losing another baby. I love you so much baby!

The good news, since we left office early, we managed to avoid massive queue and reached home half an hour earlier than yesterday. Maybe this is baby's way of solving mom and dad's disagreement amicably? Dad gets to drive to work and Mom gets to reach home early? Heh. Pandai anak mak! Nasib baik kau kat dalam perut, kalau tak mak cubit-cubit manja pipi baby tau... :p

All in all, I am thankful to God that baby is still alive and well inside of me. I pray that he/she will be born healthy and full-term. In the first place, syukur alhamdulillah for blessing us with this gift.

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