I love you, baby

Every morning, when I woke up, I patted my stomach and whispered, 'Sayang baby Ummi.'

I love you, baby.

One day, I woke up and with tears in my eyes I put a hand on my stomach.

'God loves you more than I do.'

The pain of not being able to hold you in my arms is still too great for me to bear. You will never call me 'Ummi' but you will always be my baby love.

Thank you for making me happy, baby. Even if it is just a short while.

Love, Ummi

1 Week Short to 3 Months!

My dear little child,

First of all, forgive me for neglecting to write on your development every week as what I had promised myself. Work has been piling up lately and I have been kept busy that by the time I reached home, I was totally wiped out.

This week you turned 10 weeks old in my uterus & next Tuesday, you will be 11 weeks old - you've grown your fingers, all your vital organs and you are rapidly developing the rest of yourself faster than anyone can say 'Boo'. Every day I will give you a pat on my stomach and praise you for your industrious efforts of growing. Yup, judging by the size of my stomach and the rapidly growing pile of pants which I can't fit into anymore, you are definitely hard at work in there.

My dear little fella,

It is now the month of Ramadhan and I usually love fasting month for various reasons. However, this year is a totally different experience for me - after breaking of fast and prayers, I would crumple up on the sofa and die a slow, excruciating death sleep my head off. I'm THAT tired.

Many people were taken aback when I decided to fast this Ramadhan. They popped questions such as, 'Can you handle it?', 'What time are you planning to break fast?' and 'Don't you pity the baby?' (Tak kesian ke ngan baby you?)

I am appalled that people can think that I can heartlessly starve my growing baby, but honestly, there's nothing wrong with fasting during pregnancy. I diligently wake up an hour before dawn to have a wholesome meal and lots of milk to sustain you throughout the day. I make sure that I don't skip my med. I try to eat a lot more than I feel like I can stomach just to ensure that you are not affected in any way while I perform this ibadah. At night, I drink glasses of water so my body has enough fluid to carry the nutrients to you.

So, back off you non-believers! My baby is doing ok, God's will!

As a result of these efforts, I have to go to toilet every so often that I automatically rise to go to toilet while my eyes are still closed. I also gain weight rapidly which totally had me freaked out (I'm not falling for Abah's excuse for my weight gain is because of a tinier-than-grapefruit you).

My dear little child,

Despite fasting for more than 12 hours for the past 19 days, miraculously I hardly fall sick. You've been such a good baby, rarely tinkering with my hormones that causes me all these pregnancy simptoms. Except for the first week of Ramadhan when I was feeling gas-sy, feverish and a lot of other nasty feelings, the following weeks proved to be the best ever time since I conceived several weeks back. So I'm now a Sleeping Monster (I can sleep non-stop if Abah didn't wake me), but I actually feel GREAT. I stop having bitter taste in my mouth, my appetite is good, I stop feeling nauseated all the time and my body is not crying out in pain & discomfort. Sometimes I wonder whether being pregnant was just a dream.

My dear little child,

Pregnancy has taught me to be grateful for God's every day blessing of health, which I used to take for granted for stupid reasons such as racing the deadline and wanting to be a perfectionist at work that I always sacrifice my sleep & psychological well-being (imagine all those stresses that led to gastric, migraine, etc.). For now, health is as precious as souls, and your health is more precious than my entire life.

I must admit that I feel lucky that I don't suffer from vomitting and throbbing headaches during the first trimester - and my health improves by leaps & bounds these past few weeks. This allows me to concentrate on learning my new job and carrying out my tasks at the office. Alhamdullillah, I can't thank God enough for giving me good health while carrying you.

With fasting, I want to teach you that God will not harm those who obey Him even though on the surface it seems like a perilous journey all the way to heaven. Just like He won't sacrifice Ismail the Prophet A.S., even though He commandeth Prophet Ibrahim A.S. to take his own son's life.

When you are born my dear, remember this lesson and do not find excuses to abandon your duties as a Moslem. Because on you, I put my hope to bring the lights of Islam to this world, to my world and my soul.

Grow well, my baby. Meanwhile, be patient for the next 11 days. I shall reward you with plenty of kek lapis and Grandma's delicious raya dishes when we get through this month together.


Love,
Ummi

In Which I Saw Your Heartbeats & I Fell In Love...

My dear little child,

Last Wednesday, I went to see the doctor as per scheduled together with Grandma. Before going to hospital, I was really edgy, nervous and scared. I couldn't think straight, I worried too much, I made your Grandma worried by talking about nonsense, and my heart went 'dup-dup-dup' for no reasons.

As usual, the doctor came 1 hour later after I registered myself. Sadly, Abah was not able to join us because he can't afford to take yet another leave. However, I made sure that he regret not doing so afterwards. Muahaha! Naughty mommy.

When finally the doctor came in, we were first to meet her. She immediately asked me to lie on the bed after setting up the equipment to scan and listen to heartbeats. After making myself relaxed, she inserted the thing inside and the first sight I saw was...

... An empty sac. Oh my God! What happened to my baby? Did I lose my baby unknowingly?? I was freaking out!

'Oh... hmm... This is one sac, the smaller sac I believe. Doesn't seem to have anyone in there.' Doc noted. She turned the equipment to look at the other sac. I held my breath, I was sooooo scared.

Then I saw you.
The little bowing you, in that famous fetal position.
Yes, you at 5 @ 6 weeks old. So precious, so tiny. So vulnerable.
AND SO CUTE!

'Ah... Alhamdulillah, this one seems to be growing healthily. Look, can see the baby's head, and the body. Now I show you the heart.' Doc sounded happy. I was already melting at the sight of you, so unbelievable that I can grow another human inside me.

Doc pressed a button, and the heart is highlighted in red. It is beating strongly and rapidly, like all babies' hearts do. Doc turned up the volume and I, for the first time listened to your heartbeats - the heartbeats that I had been waiting for 2 weeks to listen to!

Oh, it was the cutest sound I've ever heard! It was music to my ears and for the hundredth times, I melted again... I was so mushy I wanted to cry because I thought my heart couldn't contain anymore love that I feel towards you. It was so strange to fall in love with someone I don't know (actually, it wasn't that strange because I fell in love with Abah before I even knew him). Well anyway, I got to experience for the second time the moments of falling in love, this time with someone who carries Abah's SIRIM chop gene. Hehe.

My dear little child,

I am not the only one who sense this growing love, but Abah as well. Ever since we learnt of this pregnancy, Abah has gone all out to ensure that my needs are fulfilled, and I am happy. I'm thankful that I have not started morning sickness yet, but occasionally when I did fall sick due to the hormonal changes in my body, Abah is always by my side to care for me and ease my discomfort. In fact, even though Abah has yet to see your heartbeats, he surprised me when he made sounds to imitate your heartbeats, ACCURATELY. Hmm. Ada pengalaman ke bang? That shows how much Abah also loves you.

My dear little child,

Lastly, even though I really hoped that there were two of you, eventually God knows best and I trust Him. There's a reason to everything and we are already so thankful that one of you appears healthy and growing well. At the end of the day, my biggest hope is that you come out healthy, a good child and a good Moslem, and that I will slim down to my weight before I got married to Abah. Hehe.


Love,
Ummi

In Which I Dream.

My dear little child(ren),

I had a dream.

There were two chubby and adorable identical babies in that dream. They were both boys.
I picked one up and cuddled him.
Then I put him down and picked up the other. I cuddled the other one too.
Then I picked up both babies in my arms.

I feel so loved by the babies.

That was the sweetest dream ever :)

Love,
Ummi

In Which I'm Beginning To Enter Torturous Moments.

My dear little child(ren),

It's the end of week 3 and I'm entering into week 4 of pregnancy. I thank Allah for making it to another week safely. Every day I fret about whether you are still safe, still growing, still alive...

If I could, I would go to the doctor everyday just to have a look at you! Unfortunately, I'm not that privileged. I should've become a doctor in the first place (frown). Hmm. Anyway my baby(s), my only way of knowing that you are still thriving inside my body, is by the way my body responds to the foreign invasion(s). Mind you, I have always hate sickness (who doesn't?) and always make sure that I stay healthy so I won't have to endure pain.

My first sign of pregnancy is the boobs pain. They ache, they are tender and they are (refrain from using bad language) horrendous! The first thing I noticed when I woke up is how they are throbbing like gila early in the morning and Abah wasn't even messing around with them the night before (hahahaha!). Internet research later revealed that hormones are the culprit and that they are preparing themselves to well, develop to feed you when you come out 9 months' later.

Then, came the awful fatigue-ness. I am ever so tired at any time of the day. I do not want to sleep, I just need to lie down. Your Grandma told me that I should not rest too much or else you will come out a lazybum-bum. I tried, maybe taking a morning stroll and after a short distance, I would long for the nearest seat available so I can rest my own lazybum-bum. My feet also start to ache if I wore flat sandals so I had to buy one of those mumsy sandals (oh, Sembonia has this really adorable sandals which I bought regardless of its outrageous price). I'm wondering how I will survive when you are a lot bigger and heavier. Already, carrying myself and a poppy seed-sized you is a CHORE to me.

Shortly after that, I develop a passion for food. I love food! I want to eat all the time! I'm constantly hungry and feeling there's a black hole inside me. No matter how much food I stuffed into my mouth, it is NEVER enough. Abah encourages me to eat though. He thinks it's good for you. On the other hand, I think it's too early evolve into an Eating Monster, because how much nutrients do you need at that tiny size? Again, I think it's just hormone. Sometimes I get hysterical when I weigh myself in the morning. Weight is always a big issue to me :(

Strangely, I do not desire anything pickled. Jeruk2 tidak memenuhi selera Ummi. I like my usual favourite food, only thrice more, than before I was pregnant. I love pizza, I love spaghetti, I love nasi ayam, nasi kerabu, roti canai, Grandma's cooking, and constantly feel like gorging on chocolate.

However, these past two days, I seem to grow a liking for sour drink, namely orange juice. Why? Well, I am beginning to feel a little bit nauseated and the only way to contain the feeling is to drink something sour. Like orange juice. Orange juice is a hero, I adore it so much. Plus, it contains lotsa vitamin C. Good for you, good for me. So Abah bought me cartons of milk and cartons of orange juice because I can't live without them.

My sleeping habit also changes drastically these past few days. I tend to sleep lightly, and always wake up to change my position, or go to the restroom (already, I'm visiting the restroom twice in the middle of the night, EVERY night). The most noticeable change is how I tend to stretch my body a lot. Stretch my legs, stretch my arms, twist my body. I think when you are born, you will stretch a lot too.

Also, usually, I am not so active while sleeping. Before I doze off, I will curl my body to face Abah, and stay in that position (mostly) till morning. However, after getting pregnant, I toss and turn and stretch till morning and I wake up with my arms above my head in that stretching arms position. I think that is why I'm so tired because I do not get a fitful and restful sleep (it is hard to rest if I keep moving while sleeping).

Oh, about food? I am so upset to find out that I lost my appetite for nasi kerabu. The smell of it almost made me throw up last night. Poor Grandma, she bought it because I like it, but my body decides that nasi kerabu is off the list now. Oh goodness, what am I going to like now??

My dear little child(ren),

Before getting pregnant, I have always thought that I would hate all these symptoms and those that will come throughout the next few months until you are born. Especially by the time I will have to endure morning sickness. However, after almost losing you, I change my mind about them. You see, I have no other way of knowing if you are still ok inside me, except for these symptoms. There was one time I woke up and my boobs did not hurt so much and I got alarmed. Oh my God, did I lose you in the night? Then I would pray that my boobs hurt again, no matter how much, so I know that the pregnant hormones are still there and I am still carrying you. Somehow, being in pain and discomfort is a signal that you are doing fine. I look forward to these symptoms and I make myself brave to go through them just so you can survive these perilous moments.

I am now beginning to understand a mother's love because that is exactly how I feel towards you.


Love,
Ummi

In Which We Saw Two...

My dear little child(ren),

Today I went to see our doctor again for another jab. Your grandma drove me to the hospital and even though I do not doubt Grandma's driving capability, I couldn't help but tensed all the way to the hospital because Grandma never drove in KL before. Grandma is a competent driver back at her hometown which never had traffic jam like KL does, and people there are leisure drivers, unlike KL drivers who are always rushing about.

I kept on yelping and covering my eyes and it made Grandma so nervous that she forgot to change gears and the car engine died twice. In the middle of the road. I was so mortified and so wished that I could drive, but doctor said no. Not until you develop your heartbeats. I am considered a disabled person until that precious heartbeats are here. Please baby, please grow your heartbeats fast. I can't go to work, can't drive and can't do anything without your heartbeats!

Anyway, we reached the hospital safe and sound. Then, we had to wait for 2 hours (typical of the hospital to let us wait for that long when all I want is just a jab). When it's finally our turn, doc said she wants to scan and see your development in my tummy.

I too, waited anxiously to know how big you have grown since our last visit to the doctor. Grandma was also excited to see you for the first time. When we saw how big you've grown through the monitor, we've 'ooh'ed and 'aah'ed breathlessly. Then doc twisted the scanner because she thought she saw...

'Look, there's two sacs here.'
I almost jumped off the bed in shock. Two sacs?

The ultrasound image looks something like this. - Photo sourced from about.com (Pregnancy & Childbirth)

Sure enough, I saw with my own eyes another smaller sac next to the bigger sac. It made me nervous and excited at the same time. What does it mean? Are there two of you in there?

'Masya Allah, there seems to be two amniotic sacs here. One bigger than the other... I can't say for sure now, it's too early. But... if God wills it, there might be two of them.' Doc sounded cheerful but unsure.

Being always full of questions, I can't help thinking how is it possible? Could it be that two eggs were released in the first place from the same ovum? Well... that sounds impossible. Or could it be that (Abah's theory) the cells are not finished dividing itself yet so that is why the other sac is smaller? I have no idea whatsoever. FYI, Abah is always referring to you in plurals e.g. 'Hi anak-anak!' every time he puts his hand on my tummy. Could Abah's word turned to reality?

Doc once again gave the same advise to be cautious, to limit my movement and to eat healthy food. Driving, going to work and partying with Abah are no-no. Poor Abah...

My dear little child(ren),

I do not know what God has in store for both myself and Abah, but whatever it is, we will try to make the best of it and accept it with full gratitude. Be it one, two or more, you are still ours and our responsibility to protect, nourish and teach the right way of life since you are still inside my tummy. That is why ever since I learnt about the pregnancy, I have tried my best to control my emotions, say only nice things, and most importantly to read to you the Quran, in hope that you will not forget God that had created you.

My wish for you my little child(ren), is that you may grow healthy, happy and most of all, be good Muslims who will bring goodness into the world.

Amin.

Love,
Ummi

P/S: Abah, as usual, does not react much when I told him that Doc suspects there might be two babies in my tummy.

In Which I Almost Lose You

My dear little child,

Firstly, my highest praise to Allah for protecting the little you in me. Being a mother apparently is no easy-peasy job. Not at this stage of your life.

I admitted that I had been rather careless. I am after all, still trying to get used to the idea that my body is now shared with a little dot which will develop into a human being, with God's grace. You have gained victory by being the fastest sperm to fertilize my egg (haha, a little biology lesson for you) and it is my turn to hold the baton and did my job to protect you from any harm.

As a punishment for almost losing you, I am now confined to home for 2 weeks. 2 weeks is a long time, baby. 2 weeks made me feel really restless and worried about my abandoned work. I've just started my new job and I don't want to create bad impression on myself. But as the doctor reminded me, which do I put as my priority - work or you? Of course, I choose you. I had to, or Abah will kill me.

You see, what I did was nothing wrong if I had not been preggie.

On Saturday, I accompanied my sister a.k.a. your aunt to her shopping spree. Normally, I love shopping. However, since carrying you, I got tired easily. I got irritated easily too, especially when Abah used his veto power to stop me from buying that beautiful blouse I had been eyeing with the reason that it wasn't long enough (he prefers something like Hogwart School of Withcraft & Wizardry's school robe). Also, he conveniently and annoyingly pointed out that in a few months, I won't be able to fit into it.

The shopping spree ended in a few hours and an aching back and legs. On Sunday, before I left to KLIA, we went for lunch at this place which I remembered to serve the most delicious asam pedas I've ever came across. Alas, the cook either ran away or we went to the wrong place (remembering locations is not one of my strengths, child). Suffice to say, the asam pedas was exactly its name - sour and extremely spicy. So spicy that both Abah & I cried while trying to finish that RM15 asam pedas. We had to dab our eyes a few times in between chews.

Then, not contented with tormenting you with spicy food, I happily boarded the flight to Kuantan. It wasn't the smoothest ride either. Due to bad weather, the flight was turbulent. I did not even think that being at high altitude could be harmful to you.

That's why a day later, I experienced pain and then much worse than that. We both were so alarmed that we immediately scheduled an appointment with our doctor.

Of course, I got a scolding from the doctor! Ok, I deserved it, so I just shut up. Then, to make sure that you are still hanging on in there, doctor gave me a scan and we saw you for the first time.

As inexperienced parents, we were excitedly looking at the black & white screen, expecting something that looks like mini human. Duh.

'Where, Doc? Where?'
'There.' Doctor pointed at you.
'Owh.' We didn't expect you to be that tiny.

Yup, you are still this tiny white dot inside a black dot, which doctor explained as your something-something sac. Haha. I'll look up the proper word later. No wonder you're so fragile! You measured just 6mm!

My darling child,

I'm so sorry that I jeopardized your sense of security and safety. I'll try not to forget that now I'm not just responsible for myself, I'm now hold responsible for you too. Even though I want to protest so badly at being ordered to stay away from my office at level 50, I shut up when I thought that my selfishness could cost your life. Gosh, how I wish I could transfer you to Abah because frankly speaking, Abah's office is just at the 3rd floor! Abah can keep you safer than me, his job is just to sit quietly in front of PC and do some programming!

Oh, another thing that doc mentioned to us.

'When's my due date, doc?'
'Let see....' Doctor made some calculations.
'Insya Allah, 12 April next year.'

Ok, now Abah is happy. Guess you will be Abah's birthday gift after all, not mine.

At this point, I don't care whose birthday you decided to come out, as long as you make it safely through the laborious 9 months period of pregnancy. Just grow well inside me, child.

P/S: By the way, try not to disturb too much of my kidneys and whatevernots of my internal system. Unlike you, they stay permanently inside my body and I wish to keep them exactly where they are.


Love,
Ummi

In Which We Discover You

My dear little child,

I first sensed your existence a week ahead of our discovery. I had been feeling somewhat not myself, and asked myself over and over again whether it is an omen that you are coming.

In fact, Abah (let me use that term first until he decides what you should call him) out of the blue, received a little windfall in the form of a month bonus at the same time. Hmm. We both suspected that something bigger is brewing and we both got it right. Alhamdulillah.

My dear child,

I don't think it is too much to say that we could guess which day you were conceived. I am so sure and certain that it is on Friday night a little over two weeks ago because we both were set on bringing you to the world. On that night, we both sat down after prayer to recite Yasin and pray to God that please, please send us a child.

In a way, we both are prepared to receive you finally.

When I could not contain my impatience anymore, I decided that I wanted to know and be rid of this 'Am I pregnant? Am I not pregnant?' questions which kept nagging at my inner self incessantly. I have been experiencing discomfort below my stomach for a week and it wasn't like any pain which I knew. It wasn't gastric, and it wasn't PMS. It was just... well, discomfort.

So I went ahead and did the home pregnancy test.

At first, there was no line appearing on the window. I was about to dump it in the rubbish bin along with its wrapper, but then slowly a faint line appeared.

Abah was watching tv when I went over and showed him.

'Does that look like a second line to you?'

Forgive Abah for not being able to react like any other first-time fathers. I have always resigned to the fact that Abah's emotions are the size of an amoeba. We are yin and yang. Whereby I got extreme emotions, Abah has always been the cool one.

'Yes. You're pregnant, dear.' And continued watching The Matrix.

I did not know whether to cry or not, so I did both. I blinked back a few tears and then decided to do a second test the next morning.

The next morning also appeared with positive result.

Oh yes, I am so pregnant already.

Welcome, my little baby.

Read between the lines... Yes, I'm pregnant!


Love,
Ummi (until I decide what you should call me, but definitely not 'Mama', or 'Mommy' or 'Amma' too)