In Which I Saw Your Heartbeats & I Fell In Love...

My dear little child,

Last Wednesday, I went to see the doctor as per scheduled together with Grandma. Before going to hospital, I was really edgy, nervous and scared. I couldn't think straight, I worried too much, I made your Grandma worried by talking about nonsense, and my heart went 'dup-dup-dup' for no reasons.

As usual, the doctor came 1 hour later after I registered myself. Sadly, Abah was not able to join us because he can't afford to take yet another leave. However, I made sure that he regret not doing so afterwards. Muahaha! Naughty mommy.

When finally the doctor came in, we were first to meet her. She immediately asked me to lie on the bed after setting up the equipment to scan and listen to heartbeats. After making myself relaxed, she inserted the thing inside and the first sight I saw was...

... An empty sac. Oh my God! What happened to my baby? Did I lose my baby unknowingly?? I was freaking out!

'Oh... hmm... This is one sac, the smaller sac I believe. Doesn't seem to have anyone in there.' Doc noted. She turned the equipment to look at the other sac. I held my breath, I was sooooo scared.

Then I saw you.
The little bowing you, in that famous fetal position.
Yes, you at 5 @ 6 weeks old. So precious, so tiny. So vulnerable.
AND SO CUTE!

'Ah... Alhamdulillah, this one seems to be growing healthily. Look, can see the baby's head, and the body. Now I show you the heart.' Doc sounded happy. I was already melting at the sight of you, so unbelievable that I can grow another human inside me.

Doc pressed a button, and the heart is highlighted in red. It is beating strongly and rapidly, like all babies' hearts do. Doc turned up the volume and I, for the first time listened to your heartbeats - the heartbeats that I had been waiting for 2 weeks to listen to!

Oh, it was the cutest sound I've ever heard! It was music to my ears and for the hundredth times, I melted again... I was so mushy I wanted to cry because I thought my heart couldn't contain anymore love that I feel towards you. It was so strange to fall in love with someone I don't know (actually, it wasn't that strange because I fell in love with Abah before I even knew him). Well anyway, I got to experience for the second time the moments of falling in love, this time with someone who carries Abah's SIRIM chop gene. Hehe.

My dear little child,

I am not the only one who sense this growing love, but Abah as well. Ever since we learnt of this pregnancy, Abah has gone all out to ensure that my needs are fulfilled, and I am happy. I'm thankful that I have not started morning sickness yet, but occasionally when I did fall sick due to the hormonal changes in my body, Abah is always by my side to care for me and ease my discomfort. In fact, even though Abah has yet to see your heartbeats, he surprised me when he made sounds to imitate your heartbeats, ACCURATELY. Hmm. Ada pengalaman ke bang? That shows how much Abah also loves you.

My dear little child,

Lastly, even though I really hoped that there were two of you, eventually God knows best and I trust Him. There's a reason to everything and we are already so thankful that one of you appears healthy and growing well. At the end of the day, my biggest hope is that you come out healthy, a good child and a good Moslem, and that I will slim down to my weight before I got married to Abah. Hehe.


Love,
Ummi

In Which I Dream.

My dear little child(ren),

I had a dream.

There were two chubby and adorable identical babies in that dream. They were both boys.
I picked one up and cuddled him.
Then I put him down and picked up the other. I cuddled the other one too.
Then I picked up both babies in my arms.

I feel so loved by the babies.

That was the sweetest dream ever :)

Love,
Ummi

In Which I'm Beginning To Enter Torturous Moments.

My dear little child(ren),

It's the end of week 3 and I'm entering into week 4 of pregnancy. I thank Allah for making it to another week safely. Every day I fret about whether you are still safe, still growing, still alive...

If I could, I would go to the doctor everyday just to have a look at you! Unfortunately, I'm not that privileged. I should've become a doctor in the first place (frown). Hmm. Anyway my baby(s), my only way of knowing that you are still thriving inside my body, is by the way my body responds to the foreign invasion(s). Mind you, I have always hate sickness (who doesn't?) and always make sure that I stay healthy so I won't have to endure pain.

My first sign of pregnancy is the boobs pain. They ache, they are tender and they are (refrain from using bad language) horrendous! The first thing I noticed when I woke up is how they are throbbing like gila early in the morning and Abah wasn't even messing around with them the night before (hahahaha!). Internet research later revealed that hormones are the culprit and that they are preparing themselves to well, develop to feed you when you come out 9 months' later.

Then, came the awful fatigue-ness. I am ever so tired at any time of the day. I do not want to sleep, I just need to lie down. Your Grandma told me that I should not rest too much or else you will come out a lazybum-bum. I tried, maybe taking a morning stroll and after a short distance, I would long for the nearest seat available so I can rest my own lazybum-bum. My feet also start to ache if I wore flat sandals so I had to buy one of those mumsy sandals (oh, Sembonia has this really adorable sandals which I bought regardless of its outrageous price). I'm wondering how I will survive when you are a lot bigger and heavier. Already, carrying myself and a poppy seed-sized you is a CHORE to me.

Shortly after that, I develop a passion for food. I love food! I want to eat all the time! I'm constantly hungry and feeling there's a black hole inside me. No matter how much food I stuffed into my mouth, it is NEVER enough. Abah encourages me to eat though. He thinks it's good for you. On the other hand, I think it's too early evolve into an Eating Monster, because how much nutrients do you need at that tiny size? Again, I think it's just hormone. Sometimes I get hysterical when I weigh myself in the morning. Weight is always a big issue to me :(

Strangely, I do not desire anything pickled. Jeruk2 tidak memenuhi selera Ummi. I like my usual favourite food, only thrice more, than before I was pregnant. I love pizza, I love spaghetti, I love nasi ayam, nasi kerabu, roti canai, Grandma's cooking, and constantly feel like gorging on chocolate.

However, these past two days, I seem to grow a liking for sour drink, namely orange juice. Why? Well, I am beginning to feel a little bit nauseated and the only way to contain the feeling is to drink something sour. Like orange juice. Orange juice is a hero, I adore it so much. Plus, it contains lotsa vitamin C. Good for you, good for me. So Abah bought me cartons of milk and cartons of orange juice because I can't live without them.

My sleeping habit also changes drastically these past few days. I tend to sleep lightly, and always wake up to change my position, or go to the restroom (already, I'm visiting the restroom twice in the middle of the night, EVERY night). The most noticeable change is how I tend to stretch my body a lot. Stretch my legs, stretch my arms, twist my body. I think when you are born, you will stretch a lot too.

Also, usually, I am not so active while sleeping. Before I doze off, I will curl my body to face Abah, and stay in that position (mostly) till morning. However, after getting pregnant, I toss and turn and stretch till morning and I wake up with my arms above my head in that stretching arms position. I think that is why I'm so tired because I do not get a fitful and restful sleep (it is hard to rest if I keep moving while sleeping).

Oh, about food? I am so upset to find out that I lost my appetite for nasi kerabu. The smell of it almost made me throw up last night. Poor Grandma, she bought it because I like it, but my body decides that nasi kerabu is off the list now. Oh goodness, what am I going to like now??

My dear little child(ren),

Before getting pregnant, I have always thought that I would hate all these symptoms and those that will come throughout the next few months until you are born. Especially by the time I will have to endure morning sickness. However, after almost losing you, I change my mind about them. You see, I have no other way of knowing if you are still ok inside me, except for these symptoms. There was one time I woke up and my boobs did not hurt so much and I got alarmed. Oh my God, did I lose you in the night? Then I would pray that my boobs hurt again, no matter how much, so I know that the pregnant hormones are still there and I am still carrying you. Somehow, being in pain and discomfort is a signal that you are doing fine. I look forward to these symptoms and I make myself brave to go through them just so you can survive these perilous moments.

I am now beginning to understand a mother's love because that is exactly how I feel towards you.


Love,
Ummi