The First to (Hopefully) The Many, Many Letters to My Fourth Child.

Speechless.

There's only one word to describe the discovery I made on 12 September 2022, 6.20am.

There had been signs, subtle signs that I simply mistook as Mrs Flow is coming for her monthly visits. Dull cramping the previous week's Tuesday. Sore boobs. Depressed mood.

And there were more - now that I recalled it. I remember being super exhausted and took a long long afternoon nap even though I had a restful and hit the target sleep duration the night before. Sunday 11 September 2022, I felt as if I was about to come down with fever and while going out for lunch with my sister and the girls I felt chills. 

I had doubts but nonetheless I decided to get a pregnancy test kit because my period was late.

That night I called hubby (he was in kampung because his grandfather passed away) and told him I was not feeling well. In his usual fashion, he told me to 'take a panadol' and get over it (yes, yes I've long accepted his very unromantic love).

I woke up to a full bladder, but I managed to grab the test kit and did it anyway. While waiting for the result, I washed up and went to wash my hands.

I had expected the result to be negative.

And here it was, as bright and clear as it could get:

I stared at it, not believing my eyes. We had stopped trying years ago and had accepted that we would only have our 2 girls who were born on our wedding anniversary. Of course we had spoken about trying for another one but I had always expected that it will be through another fertility treatment (oh, how this is so unexpected I don't know how to react!)

I don't know how long I sat down staring at the test kit, wondering if I should inform my dearest husband who had asked me to take a pill and chill the night before. In the end, I couldn't chill. I snapped a photo of the test kit and sent it to him.

A minute later, he told me that he is changing his flight to that night. I told him there was simply no need, but then again, that is how my dear child, your father shows his love. He doesn't sweet talk, but he will be there in a heartbeat when I need him.

Because I need him to freak out with me together. Freak out how to be a new parent after 10 years since your big sister, Khadeeja.

Love,

Mummy (I have come to accept that it is not me who determined the title, but it was your sisters who chose to call me Mummy not Ummi or Mak)

Dear Allah, we accept this blessing with open and hopeful hearts. We pray for this pregnancy to be healthy and peaceful journey. We pray for strengths. We pray for guidance. Ameen Ya Rabbal Alamin...

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Rezeki Yang Tidak Diduga

Today, something happened that made me go, 'Wow. For real???'

Over the past three weeks, I had been feeling:

1. I love Coke. I loooooovvvvveeeee Coke. I wanna drink Coke all the time. Coke with ice. Chilled Coke. Coke float. Coke is my new addiction.
2. If someone bugged me about work, I wanna bite their heads off. Ok, maybe that's not so uncommon. I have a high-stress occupation. But, to the point of threatening my SM to resign over something I don't agree? Talk about drama!
3. My boobs ache. They start with this regular, I'm-about-to-start-PMS ache, then the ache starts to exaggerate and becomes full-blown the-cool-air-I-passed-by-nearly-crippled-my-boobs ache.
4. I have been having that feeling of slight abdominal discomfort, like, I'm about to get my period but it never showed up. I got ditched by my own period.
5. Ok. I admit it. The symptoms are fishy enough to make me feel suspicious that these are not just PMS. These.are.nothing.usual.

So today. I think I've had enough of, 'Pregnant? Not pregnant???' thoughts buzzing in my head and my achy boobs are beginning to annoy me when I rolled away from bed this morning that I decided to end the puzzle by buying a pregnancy test.

We were grocery-shopping at Giant, and then I asked for a ten from Suami Terchenta to buy the pregnancy test. I hopped over to Guardian, bought the cheapest stick and then we went back. Once we reached home, after putting away our groceries, I took the test kit and went into the toilet to end the puzzle 'once-and-for-all'. After following the guideline, I dipped the stick in my urine, waited for the stick to absorb the liquid and watched out for the line(s) as it began to appear.

There's no way I'm pregnant,' I thought to myself. It's going to be another negative result. Just you wait and see, Carneyz.

Not more than 20 seconds, slowly another line began to appear. My jaws dropped open, my eyes grew bigger. What the...?

I quickly cleaned up and went out, holding the stick in my hand. Suami Terchenta had that, 'ok, it's another negative i just knew it' expression I knew so well. He opened his mouth and asked, 'So, what is it?'

'Can you just believe this?' I shoved the kit at him. The faint line was still there. He stared at it. Then at me, his face uncomprehending at first. Ok, we both were freaked out. After like, how many? failed pregnancy tests, suddenly this is positive even though we haven't started our treatment yet? How is that possible?

After a while, I told him, 'Ok, we need to do another test to confirm this. This might be a false alarm. Quick, get me a more expensive stick!'

So hubby went out and 20 minutes later, came back with another test kit. I gulped down a glass a water to fill up my bladders again, waited for five minutes and then went in for a second test.

To our amazement, the second one also turned out positive! We hugged, laughed and congratulated each other, 'Good job, dear! You're about to become a parent!'

Afternoon, we went to a clinic to get professional opinion and also to do an ultrasound. The scan showed that our fetus is just 17.7mm and the whole pregnancy is just 5weeks and 2 days old. Since I experienced spotting on Monday (which we figured out why but we didn't tell the doctor, hehehe), the doctor warned us that it might be yet another threatened pregnancy and we should lie low and not get too excited until the pregnancy is past 8 weeks. She advised us to go again for another confirmation check-up in four weeks' time.

So, if God wills it, I might be pregnant and this time, it's a natural pregnancy. That's what we called, 'rezeki yang tidak diduga.'

There is a hikmah when I had chickenpox last month, because it made me lose 5kgs. In turn, I believed it regulated my hormone and I was able to produce and release my egg. It also covered me from the risk of getting chickenpox during pregnancy, especially now chickenpox is rampant.

I thank You God, You have reasons for everything that happened. Alhamdullillah.

At the moment, I'll just keep quiet about this pregnancy, and hope for the best. But, if it did not work out like my first pregnancy, I will keep my trust in God, because everything has a hikmah including miscarriages.

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In Which I Saw Your Heartbeats & I Fell In Love...

My dear little child,

Last Wednesday, I went to see the doctor as per scheduled together with Grandma. Before going to hospital, I was really edgy, nervous and scared. I couldn't think straight, I worried too much, I made your Grandma worried by talking about nonsense, and my heart went 'dup-dup-dup' for no reasons.

As usual, the doctor came 1 hour later after I registered myself. Sadly, Abah was not able to join us because he can't afford to take yet another leave. However, I made sure that he regret not doing so afterwards. Muahaha! Naughty mommy.

When finally the doctor came in, we were first to meet her. She immediately asked me to lie on the bed after setting up the equipment to scan and listen to heartbeats. After making myself relaxed, she inserted the thing inside and the first sight I saw was...

... An empty sac. Oh my God! What happened to my baby? Did I lose my baby unknowingly?? I was freaking out!

'Oh... hmm... This is one sac, the smaller sac I believe. Doesn't seem to have anyone in there.' Doc noted. She turned the equipment to look at the other sac. I held my breath, I was sooooo scared.

Then I saw you.
The little bowing you, in that famous fetal position.
Yes, you at 5 @ 6 weeks old. So precious, so tiny. So vulnerable.
AND SO CUTE!

'Ah... Alhamdulillah, this one seems to be growing healthily. Look, can see the baby's head, and the body. Now I show you the heart.' Doc sounded happy. I was already melting at the sight of you, so unbelievable that I can grow another human inside me.

Doc pressed a button, and the heart is highlighted in red. It is beating strongly and rapidly, like all babies' hearts do. Doc turned up the volume and I, for the first time listened to your heartbeats - the heartbeats that I had been waiting for 2 weeks to listen to!

Oh, it was the cutest sound I've ever heard! It was music to my ears and for the hundredth times, I melted again... I was so mushy I wanted to cry because I thought my heart couldn't contain anymore love that I feel towards you. It was so strange to fall in love with someone I don't know (actually, it wasn't that strange because I fell in love with Abah before I even knew him). Well anyway, I got to experience for the second time the moments of falling in love, this time with someone who carries Abah's SIRIM chop gene. Hehe.

My dear little child,

I am not the only one who sense this growing love, but Abah as well. Ever since we learnt of this pregnancy, Abah has gone all out to ensure that my needs are fulfilled, and I am happy. I'm thankful that I have not started morning sickness yet, but occasionally when I did fall sick due to the hormonal changes in my body, Abah is always by my side to care for me and ease my discomfort. In fact, even though Abah has yet to see your heartbeats, he surprised me when he made sounds to imitate your heartbeats, ACCURATELY. Hmm. Ada pengalaman ke bang? That shows how much Abah also loves you.

My dear little child,

Lastly, even though I really hoped that there were two of you, eventually God knows best and I trust Him. There's a reason to everything and we are already so thankful that one of you appears healthy and growing well. At the end of the day, my biggest hope is that you come out healthy, a good child and a good Moslem, and that I will slim down to my weight before I got married to Abah. Hehe.


Love,
Ummi

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