Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A Little Retrospection

Next week I might be 7 weeks pregnant. Or maybe 8. I don't know. None of the doctors I met want to confirm that through scanning. All they blabbered about is how it is too small to see and please come again in 4 weeks' time.

In 4 weeks' time, anything can happened as I found out during my first pregnancy. So, I can only hope it will not happen again. I just don't trust myself that well. Let's say, my pregnancy record is rather gloomy. Like, 100% failure, 0% success (oh well, it was our first baby).

Books I read said I should not worry too much. Babies are resilient little things. Maybe they are, but maybe my womb is not that sustaining. I just want to know how is the little one doing in there. Any heartbeats yet? Growing ok? Anyone in there?

I note that this pregnancy is less demanding that the last one. I got tired, but not all the time tired. Tired, but not exhausted. Not all-round-the-clock fatigue and sleepiness. I don't frequently go to the toilet. I can sleep all night long and only go to the toilet when I wake up in the morning. In the beginning, my boobs ached, but now I hardly notice the pain. My feet are still ok. My back does not hurt. I must have meals on time coz of the hunger pangs, but my hunger doesn't leave me shaking all over like previous pregnancy. The most I get is throbbing head coz of my empty stomach.

This week, I started to notice that I burp more often but the effort is quite unpleasant (it was between burping out gas, and feeling like throwing up). So I guess that nausea has started. Welcome, morning sickness.

Sometimes the pregnancy symptoms are so mild or non-existent I tend to worry that I am only having false pregnant in the first place (blighted ovum, for example), or I have lost the baby (again).

That is why, I have reservations about the little one. I don't want to go all out with my showers of love and affection, only to find out he/she is gone a couple of weeks later. I'm sorry, baby. Until the pregnancy is well established, I cannot write like how I used to write to our first baby. Or I will end up breaking my heart and getting all traumatized again.

Today, I started thinking. If this little one sees it through the 9 months' journey, what next? Still working? Quit job and stay at home raising the baby? Find another job that is less demanding (and less pay) but more time for the baby? What next, Carneyz?

I don't know. I hope I will know along the way. Just like how I knew it was the right thing to marry this guy. I just know. Full conviction. With every single beat of my heart, I know he is my jodoh.

I wish I would know sooner though. I know I will come to a cross-road at the end of a 9-month journey. My colleague sighs every time she has to travel and leave her babies behind. I don't want to make that decision. It's tough enough getting pregnant, only to leave my baby every time duty calls. Besides, I don't really like my job. Ok, that's an under-statement. I loathe my job. Detest. Hate. Phew. I said it.

I was very, very close to tender my resignation last month. I had a strong cause to do that. I was not aware that I was pregnant, but something made me determined to get it over and done with. I couldn't handle the misery and ridiculous demands of my job.

But somehow, things and circumstances stopped me. I wished I had stuck to that decision. Imagine how free I would be by the time the baby is due? *smiling at wishful thinking*

No more stress. No more break downs. No more tears. No more anger. No more worries. No more. I can utilize my time as and how I wish it to be. I can play with the baby all day long, or rest, or work on improving my graphic design skills, or write a book or anything at all.

But the thoughts of leaving all financial responsibility on my poor husband... unbearable. Look at the man. He has to do double job to have a bit of savings in his account. If it wasn't for his side income project, his salary is hardly enough to make ends meet. My salary goes into savings, but at the rate of inflation now, it will only sustain us for a few months should anything happen to any of us.

So. A new job then, it means. Should the pregnancy survive, I will have to find a new job, slightly less take-home pay, but more time for family. No more stay-backs. Late meetings. Travels. Nope. I hope to find a job that does not require all that.

Let us both do our part, baby. You keep on surviving and growing healthily until full-term, and I will find a better, down-graded job for the sake of you. After all, you are worth more than all the money in the world could offer. A few extra hundred ringgits are a laughing value compared to you.

I promise you.

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