Letter to Myself.

Dear Self,

Yesterday was the first official antenatal checkup since confirming the pregnancy 5 weeks ago.

I know how much you love the idea of having another baby after so long.

How you long to hold a baby and nurse the baby.

This body has been bearing with pregnancy symptoms for several weeks now.

Nausea at night, extreme fatigue, bloating, warm body temperature.

But yesterday, I saw with my own eyes that there is just an empty sac.

No heartbeat as there should be at this week. No little bowed figure sucking its thumb.

It's just an empty home where a baby should be.

The doctor said most likely the baby did not develop. It's just a blighted embryo.

It's not my fault. It's just not meant to be.

In my heart, I accept this news.

And now you my dear body, have to learn to let go.

Stop having nausea. Stop all the pregnancy symptoms. 

Let go of the pregnancy.

Let it pass.

For Allah has better plans for you.

Let the body heal itself.

Dear Self,

I love you and I appreciate how this body has made the pregnancy happen in the first place.

But now it's time to let go, and resume the normal cycle.

It's ok.

I'm ok.

Just let it go.

A Different Kind of Experience

Since my last post, I had been monitoring my pregnancy symptoms for 2 reasons - one, to make sure that the baby is still there (symptoms = healthy pregnancy) and two, to compare with my previous experiences.

With my 2 princesses, I had bad nausea and by week 9 (this week), I started vomiting in earnest. Trimester 1 was very tough for me with my two girls hence why although I very much wanted to get pregnant, I dreaded it very much.

This time around, I had nausea at night (throbbing headaches, extra saliva, and bad metallic taste in my mouth), thank God. I am so far fine during the day but come night time, get nauseated.

Not to say daytime is all bliss though. Around 11am onwards, my energy started to go downhill and I have no choice but to lie down and nap because I was too exhausted to stay awake.

Bloated tummy made me look like I am 6 months pregger, good gracious. I am going to find the time to resume my brisk walking after all this moving house business (this is the 2nd time we moved houses when I was pregnant) to help with digestion.

Alhamdulillah the terrible drowsiness which was the side effect of taking methyldopa had worn off so I wasn't sleepy all the time - just between 11am - 3pm.

Anyway, we've decided to do our monthly check ups at KKIA and only schedule appointment with PCMC when we hit 7 months' pregnancy. I don't see any reason to spend so much money on monthly check ups and based on my previous experiences I wanted to avoid being referred to see other specialists (and being charged extra!) whenever my doctor said I need to. Plus, if we decided to switch to government hospital at least we had our monthly check up records at government clinic.

So we'll be seeing you again next week at 10 weeks (hopefully), sayang. Till then, grow well and be healthy.

Love,

Mummy

Praying For Everything to Be All Right.

Last week (week 6) is the week I was waiting for because we wanted to confirm our pregnancy through transvaginal ultrasound.

It's been so long since we were on this journey, that we were not sure where to go. In the end, we went to a specialist clinic in Wangsa Maju because it has a flawless rating on Google. Wow, mom & dad have certainly been out of touch with all this routine.

Alhamdulillah, doctor spotted a sac in there, although it was too early to see heartbeats. The clinic test kit also came back positive.

The doctor was being realistic when he said it was too early to put up any hope. Due to my medical condition (hypertension), he also wanted to run blood tests especially when I mention that my last medical checkup detected protein in urine. 

It was not surprising to us that he was concerned about this pregnancy, with me being in the 40s and having hypertension it was the right reaction. I on the other hand, leave it to God and trust that He knows best. Maybe the fact that I'm 40, my life outlook tends to be a lot more chill compared to previous pregnancies!

The good thing about this visit is the doctor changed my hypertension medication to methyldopa that is pregnancy safe since I was previously prescribed with amlodipine. Oh but how I dreaded taking this meds! It made me awfully sleepy and tired, like I had just run a marathon without a break. So I slept almost all the time, even almost falling asleep when I was brisk walking (to keep my weight gain in check).

Praying for everything to be all right, praying for a healthy and viable pregnancy, a safe and positive birth experience and a healthy baby at the end of this journey, ameen...

The First to (Hopefully) The Many, Many Letters to My Fourth Child.

Speechless.

There's only one word to describe the discovery I made on 12 September 2022, 6.20am.

There had been signs, subtle signs that I simply mistook as Mrs Flow is coming for her monthly visits. Dull cramping the previous week's Tuesday. Sore boobs. Depressed mood.

And there were more - now that I recalled it. I remember being super exhausted and took a long long afternoon nap even though I had a restful and hit the target sleep duration the night before. Sunday 11 September 2022, I felt as if I was about to come down with fever and while going out for lunch with my sister and the girls I felt chills. 

I had doubts but nonetheless I decided to get a pregnancy test kit because my period was late.

That night I called hubby (he was in kampung because his grandfather passed away) and told him I was not feeling well. In his usual fashion, he told me to 'take a panadol' and get over it (yes, yes I've long accepted his very unromantic love).

I woke up to a full bladder, but I managed to grab the test kit and did it anyway. While waiting for the result, I washed up and went to wash my hands.

I had expected the result to be negative.

And here it was, as bright and clear as it could get:

I stared at it, not believing my eyes. We had stopped trying years ago and had accepted that we would only have our 2 girls who were born on our wedding anniversary. Of course we had spoken about trying for another one but I had always expected that it will be through another fertility treatment (oh, how this is so unexpected I don't know how to react!)

I don't know how long I sat down staring at the test kit, wondering if I should inform my dearest husband who had asked me to take a pill and chill the night before. In the end, I couldn't chill. I snapped a photo of the test kit and sent it to him.

A minute later, he told me that he is changing his flight to that night. I told him there was simply no need, but then again, that is how my dear child, your father shows his love. He doesn't sweet talk, but he will be there in a heartbeat when I need him.

Because I need him to freak out with me together. Freak out how to be a new parent after 10 years since your big sister, Khadeeja.

Love,

Mummy (I have come to accept that it is not me who determined the title, but it was your sisters who chose to call me Mummy not Ummi or Mak)

Dear Allah, we accept this blessing with open and hopeful hearts. We pray for this pregnancy to be healthy and peaceful journey. We pray for strengths. We pray for guidance. Ameen Ya Rabbal Alamin...

Welcome Baby Khadeeja...

It seems like only yesterday when I discovered that I was pregnant with this adorable cherub. Welcome to our family, Khadeeja! Mommy is delighted to have another mini-me :)

Love,
Mak

Week 37: Most probably our anniversary's 2nd precious gift

Assalamualaikum my child,

Right now, I am feeling your groove inside. You are stirring, probably getting more out of space than ever now. You move a lot even at this stage, I wonder how you'll be when you are outside my womb. Relieved maybe? Ahh.... so much space to kick out those cute little legs.

Baby K,

You are now considered as full-term baby. That means, whenever you decide to make a debut into this world, the chances that you will survive are quite high. Well done sweetheart! You make it this far, we make it this far baby! I love you so much, knowing that you inherit my strong survival will from the moment you were an embryo :)

But just to update you. After the good news in Week 32 (yeay, everything seems perfect!), things get a little bumpy around Week 34 to Week 36. Firstly, within those three weeks, I've managed to get myself admitted in the hospital twice. The first time is because the doctor is convinced that I have GDM but I did not take her seriously so she took a drastic step i.e. get me admitted so that my blood glucose can be monitored for the whole day.

Then just as I had accepted the fact that I may have GDM, in Week 35 I suddenly had strong contractions and Daddy rushed me to hospital. Turned out I had false labour but had to stay in the hospital again until the contractions subsided.

I'm not really sure why these things happened but I believe it happened for a reason that only God knows. What I do know is, after these little incidents, I started to take better care of my health for your sake. I watch my diet and manage to get my blood glucose level in check. I even lost some weight within these 2 weeks! o_0 Seriously, it never happened before!

My little sayang,

Let's come back to the title of the post - why I said that you will most probably make your appearance on our 6th wedding anniversary. You see, because my doctor thinks I have gestational diabetes, she is not willing to take the risk to allow me to carry you until 40th weeks. In fact, she is suggesting that I should be induced at Week 38 - yup, just a little over 1 week left now!

I am really concerned baby - this is going to be my first time to push a baby through my vajayjay since your elder sister was born through C-section. I visualised that it will be just like in a movie - my water break, I somehow managed to remain calm and practise all those breathing techniques and then you were delivered au naturel - no drugs required. Easy-peasy-breezy.

Then suddenly I am told that I have to be induced - or maybe have another C-sec. Understandably, I freaked out. I asked around and heard different stories from a lot of experienced mothers. Some said that being induced is more painful than having natural contractions. Some said the pain is the same, just quicker. Some said, it's not quick at all because it's forced dilation and can take hours to dilate to 10cm. Whatever it is, being induced does not seem like a favorable way to deliver a baby.

I questioned the doctor's judgment because I have successfully controlled my blood glucose level, you are the right size for your age (i.e. you are not oversized, thank God!), your water is not too much and not too little and the placenta is where it's supposed to be. So why insist that I should be induced rather than wait for the labour to come?

Dearest child,

This is where my judgment as a mother is tested. Should I heed the doctor's advice because the risk of you not surviving up to Week 40 is there due to whatever reason (placenta cannot provide nutrition and baby starved in womb and born a stillbirth), or should I heed my reason that things are under controlled and I want a stress-free natural birth? The question that I cannot answer is whether the risk is imminent enough to warrant an induced labour.

I have 2 weeks left to decide.

My precious baby,

I pray that you will be born healthy and alive. I'm convinced that you are doing ok right now but what happens during birth is beyond our control. Allah knows what's best for us and whatever fate He's decided for us, we must accept it. We, baby and Mommy, must put our trust and our lives in His hands and may He guide us to the right path.

Be healthy and enjoy the last weeks of being in my warm and safe womb. I love you so much.

Love,
Mommy

Week 32: Almost there, but not quite there yet...

Dear Little K,

How are you doing in there, baby? Are you comfortable? I hope so. Now that you've grown a little bigger, I imagine the space in my tummy is getting a little snug for you. Not that it stops you from being very active - kicking, moving, stirring and doing unimaginable acrobatic moves that sometimes make me go - 'Oofff!' That elbow-jabbing thing? Please avoid it, darling.

My little one,

This week you turned 32 weeks. According to my pregnancy apps, should you ever decide to pop out now, your chance of survival is quite bright. However, let's just wait for a few more weeks, ok sweetie? Although yes, sometimes I do wish that you are already full-term and I could go on maternity leave anytime now because work is suffocating sometimes. I wished to dump everything, have a baby (safely, of course) and leave all the work problems behind. But I'm not that type of person. I like closure. I like doing things properly, handing over my job and then have a peace of mind. I hope when you grow up, you will be a responsible adult like Mommy (haha, ok well most of the time anyway). Don't make people hate you.

Ok, I'm digressing too much here.

The update that I have this week actually happened last week. Remember the week Dr Tan told us that she discovered amniotic band in the placenta? Well, it freaked me out a lot. So I pestered her into recommending me to go for a detailed scan. I just want to be prepared, dear. I know the risk is there, but at least if there is a risk of you being born with physical impairment, I want to be prepared. Don't fret, I would love you regardless of how you look like. But, as your mother, I want to ensure that you get the best medical treatment and coverage and perhaps, I will have to forego some of my plans to ensure that you get that.

So, we went to see another Dr Tan, who performed the detailed scan last week Thursday. I went with your dad, and I was glad that he was there too.

My darling child,

What a relief I got after I went for that detailed scan! Everything seemed to be ok. The amniotic band is not deterring your growth or anything, and the doctor declared that you seemed to be growing healthily. When he scanned your facial structure, he did not see any signs of cleft lips, your brain is developing ok, your heart is ok. You have all your fingers on your hands and feet, which are adorably curled up in that fetal position.

But the thing that makes me go 'aawww...' is the fact that your nose is shaped like your sister's (and mine). It's those cute button nose (I'm shameless to say that my nose is cute, but I like my nose!). It makes me look forward to finally meet  you in person, little baby. I pray that you will be as beautiful as your big sister.

Baby,

I have a confession to make. I have not been taking care of myself and my diet since I was pregnant with you. Maybe because from the word 'go', you seemed to be more enduring than your sister? I did not know I was pregnant with you when I went for that rough trip in the jungle terrain of Sarawak. Despite going through the bumps, the high altitude and also riding my bike to work every day, you seemed to be one strong little fella. I felt a lot calmer and confident when I am carrying you compared to the time when I was carrying your sister.

Perhaps that is why I am less disciplined when I'm having you. I did not stop drinking Coke occasionally, or having daily cups of caffeine-laden drinks (coffee, I mean) which I somehow take to the liking nowadays.

I stop taking my pregnancy supplement because I'm worried that you will grow too big to push through my vajayja (Alhamdulillah, despite skipping the supplement, you are still growing at the right pace). Yet, I worry that you might not get enough nutrients to ensure a healthy growth.

But the thing that makes me feel very, very guilty is I have not been reading Quran to you, baby. I know it's very good for your soul as well as mine to read verses from Quran while you are in my tummy. But somehow I'm too lazy... I keep promising that I will do it tomorrow, but tomorrow came and I still find excuses to skip this crucial ritual.

Daddy is always telling me that your sister turned out beautiful because I read Surah Yusuf when I was pregnant with her. But with you? Oh my dear baby, I'm so sorry!

My little pumpkin,

I pray to Allah that you will be protected from all evil. I believe in Him that he created all humans including you in a pure form. I want to be a good mother to you and your sister. I want you both to grow up not just physically healthy, but spiritually balanced as well. Right now I know I'm doing little to do that. Can you pray to God that Mommy will find the strength to read the Quran to you before you are born?

Before I end this letter, my sweetheart, I want to stress again how much I love you. You have never caused me much worry throughout this pregnancy. I know I have to thank Allah for that. For keeping you safe. I am so looking forward to meet you dear child. 8 more weeks. It's not a long time. In the mean time, I pray that I will be strong physically, mentally and spiritually to bring you to this world. I can't wait to cuddle you and shower you with kisses.


Love you always,
Mommy