A new bun in the oven?

Today we were blessed with another joy of finding out that we are pregnant - for the second time! Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah for bestowing this gift to us :)

Actually we knew about it since last Tuesday - I had been feeling weird lately. My tummy felt bloated in the way that only pregnancy can make me feel that way. And, I had been burping a lot.

So once again I had this feeling that I might be pregnant though it was not as nagging and intense as the time when I was pregnant with Khayla.

I finally decided to test it on Tuesday night. After the delivery people came to deliver our brand new fridge (yeay!) I went to a pharmacy in Sri Gombak with my little girl to buy pregnancy test kits.

This time I bought 2 kits - just in case the first one produced inconclusive result.

I came home and immediately did the test - this time instead of having to wait for a few moments, the second line appeared almost immediately, albeit faded line.

I couldn't believe my eyes so I went out and showed the result to my sister who also couldn't tell whether the second line was really there.

So I gulped down another mug of water and repeated the test. Again the same thing happened that convinced me slightly that I could be pregnant - again!

When hubby came back from class, I showed him the tests and asked him to buy a more expensive test kit. He did.

The third time I tested, the second line took a while to appear AND it appeared - also a faint line.

The next day I confided in my closest colleague at work about it and she was so overjoyed that she clapped hands! I told her to keep it down and cautioned it might be false alarm as the line appeared faint. She suggested we bought a new test kit (also an expensive kit) during lunch break and re-tested - so I did. I also bought some pre-natal vitamins just in case I am really pregger.

This time it was slightly clearer than my first three attempts.

But after a day of relishing the thought that I might be pregnant - the symptoms lessened and once again I was left wondering whether it was even real - perhaps the pregnancy didn't thrive overnight and I am no longer pregnant?

To confirm it, today we finally went to Klinik Idzham to see a doctor. As usual, I had to pee in a bottle and the nurse did the same test I did at home.

When our turn was called, the doctor (her name is Dr Rubiah, by the way) confirmed the news - yup, we're having another baby! ^_^

Hubby patted my shoulder in delight and congratulated me. We told the news to our unimpressed toddler. All in all, today is a happy day for us :)

By the way, I did not have an ultrasound scan coz the doctor said it's too early to be seen via ultrasound - so she just gauged my pregnancy by asking my first day of last period (23 February).

According to her estimate I am now 7 weeks 2 days pregnant. I forgot to check when my due date will be, but thank God for my iPhone apps, I found out that I may be having another December baby!

It just felt strange to fall pregnant so easily after struggling with sub-infertility for almost 4 years but I'm not complaining :) I feel relieved that I can conceive naturally like other people.

And unlike my first pregnancy, this time I only realized that I am pregnant after almost reaching month 2 - last time I found out earlier coz my boobs ached so much.

Hopefully this pregnancy will be smooth-sailing (no morning sickness please!).

We're looking forward to welcome our second baby into our lives. But we leave it to God. Insya Allah, if it is meant to be, we'll be parents for the second time.

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Welcome Baby Khayla...

After months of waiting with bated breaths, here you are finally. My beautiful child, thank you for making my day. My life feels blessed with your presence.

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Week 37: The Very Last Week of Life in Uterus.

Dear Baby Girl,

It seemed like only yesterday I found out about the pregnancy and the indescribable joy that came with the knowledge. After almost 4 years of being married, and FINALLY, finally we are able to conceive.

After the joy, we were scared, really scared that we will lose you. My earlier days of pregnancy was a rather bleak and cautious time for the both of us as we waited with bated breath and lots of prayers for your survival.

But you my child, are strong. God meant for you to live this long, to Insya Allah take the first breath of air this coming week. I still remember whispering a prayer to God, 'Ye Allah, this child inside of me, I trust her life in Your Hands. If she lives, it is through Your Grace, and I thank You for this blessing. If she does not live, I believe that it is her destiny and You know what is best for her and for us.'

My sweet little girl,

Soon, you will be born into this world. How many times have I closed my eyes and imagined the moment you will be placed on my chest, no doubt crying in bewilderment at the sudden gust of cold air after spending 9 months cocooned in the warm, soothing uterus you are used to now. Yes, it is getting more snug and at times, annoyingly uncomfortable as you grow bigger and your home gets smaller. But that cry will soon be placated as you hear the familiar heartbeats and your eyes opened unseeingly in wonder at the warm skin you felt against yours. You will hear the familiar voice soothing you but the voices are no longer muffled, feel hands touching your back as your fingers uncurl and start to search around for something to soothe you.

I imagine how beautiful will those moments be as we finally get to meet you. I imagine that I will be overwhelmed with happiness, crying at the sight of you, and Daddy too, will be crying. Baby, those are the imaginations that lifted my spirit, kept me going even when I was ready to give up on the world, and made me smile even when you kicked me so hard it hurt sometimes. Baby, one day you will know this feeling. It is called motherhood.

My dear child,

Perhaps the next best thing after finding out about the pregnancy is finding out that you will making your début on our 4th wedding anniversary, Insya Allah. In many ways, we have always regarded you as God's gift to us for making it to our 4th year of marriage. But we never (ok, I admit that I have been hoping that you will be coming out on 15th December even though you are due 2 weeks after our wedding anniversary) intended that you will be born on that date itself! If not for this placenta previa problem, I am positive that you will be a New Year baby and that I will be having a normal labour. BUT... God has other plans and lesson learnt, be careful what you wish for. Hehe.

During my last visit to the doctor, she pointed out that the placenta has totally blocked the opening of the uterus and makes it difficult, if not impossible, for you to make your journey into the world through the birth canal. She went on to conclude that the safest way to deliver you is through C-section.

I was of course, quite disappointed to hear that. I asked whether it is really not possible to move the placenta out of the way but she said it is extremely risky, not after waiting for 4 years to have a baby anyway. You see, I have been preparing myself for normal delivery - even put my mind firmly to the thought of having a drug-free birth. That means, no epidural will be requested.

But. What matters most is not what I want, but what is best for you. So, if the doctor thinks that the safest passage for you to enter this world through C-sect, I will certainly oblige this. Some day baby, remember that your mother loves you very much to suffer so much pain for you. Even give her life to you.

I am waiting eagerly sweetheart, for your arrival. Come, my child, into my open arms. The moment of waiting is nearly over.

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Week 27: It's A Girl!

Dear Baby,

It's been a while since we last met you. 5 whole weeks! Phew. But nevertheless, your presence is always felt. You are getting stronger and stronger, kicking and moving, and doing all sorts of cute and not-so-cute (e.g. when you kick too hard you make me go, 'Ooff!') stuffs inside there.

Raya had been a blast. Except for the part when the flight landed and it was quite a bumpy landing. For the whole day, you did not move. We were quite worried at that time, and made it a point to go to the hospital if I still did not feel you move the following day. To make matters worst, we had food poisoning the next day *shudder*. But, luckily by the the third day of Hari Raya, I felt you stirring inside. Then everything went back to normal and Raya had never been more fun. I mean, I don't have to answer anymore 'So, when are you guys going to have children?' questions by busybodies.

I miss home already when I think of it. I miss your Grandma, and her cooking. I ate too much that by the time I came back after hols, everyone thought I was about to pop already coz I GOT SO BIG! I know I should start exercising soon, but things had been quite hectic since we came back that I never managed to find the time *lame excuse, Mommy...*

(Anyway, I only put on 3.5kg, an extra 2+kg from the last visit. So, it's still manageable right?)

Baby,

We went for our monthly check-up last night. Once again, I was really, really excited to know your gender. Boy? Girl? Once again, I coaxed you to 'open up' to the doctor, so we could find out the most awaited news since you were conceived. I guess last night you were in a good mood, so you obliged.

Before that, I wanted to share with you Daddy's dream. Last week, Daddy told me that he dreamed about our baby's gender. We were in a hospital (apparently I had safely delivered), and then the doctor came carrying our little bundle of joy. The doctor placed the baby in the baby cot, and out of curiousity, Daddy went over to see the baby's sex. So, he pried aside the nappy and saw... no balls. That means, girl.

I was overjoyed after he related his dream but Daddy remained skeptical. You see, Daddy being a big boy, wants a boy as firstborn. Mommy being a big girl, wants a girl as firstborn. Look at how responsible is your Aunty Liza? I long for a little girl who will grow up a responsible young lady who looks after her siblings. BUT, in actual truth, we don't mind if it's a boy or a girl. Either one is still our child, the most awaited child since we were ready to become parents. So, don't you worry your little head that one of us may like you less because of your gender, coz baby, we love you no matter what :)

Back to last night.

As usual, after checking my blood pressure (and gently reprimanding me for putting on weight), the doctor asked me to lie down on the exam table. As soon as I was settled in, the doctor started the ultrasound scan.

Masya Allah, you have certainly grown bigger my child. I love the way you suckle your thumb, and yes, kicking and moving. It's the cutest sight I've ever seen *grin from ear to ear* And at one time the doctor was probing my tummy to measure your thigh bone, you kick and I could feel that movement. It was simply magical!

After doctor has finished measuring whatever needs to be measured, I asked her whether (cough), it's possible to see your gender now. She then scanned downwards to that part of your anatomy. And Alhamdulillah, you were very cooperative.

'Looks like a girl.' She said. I couldn't believe my ears. So, Daddy's dream was true? I flashed a grin and a victory sign at Daddy (yeaay! Mommy's little girl!). Daddy spoke up.

'How do you know Doctor?'

'You see this part, looks like lips?' She zoomed in on that particular part and I could see what she meant. Yup, definitely a girl.

OMG. I'm so excited. I'm getting a little girl! I have always imagined of baking cakes together with my little girl, or sharing stories and stuffs. Inside, I sort of sensed that you will be a girl, the way you are sort of shy with strangers (like you will stay quiet whenever you hear unfamiliar voices talking to me), and lately, I have become quite fussy with my appearance (typical mommy-to-be carrying a girl).

My little girl,

Thank you for obliging Mommy's request. I love you and I couldn't wait to hold you in my arms. Just 13 weeks or 90 days to go!

Love,

Mommy (a very proud mommy)

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Week 22: Showing A Glimpse of Your Personality

Dear Baby,

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I have always thought you as being part of me. Meaning, whenever I'm hungry, I imagine you being hungry. Whenever I feel tired, it's you wanting to have a nap. We, Mommy and Baby, are an entity. You, my baby, react based on what I feel and want.

But as you grow older, I realise that you are a person of your own. You have your own schedule (of napping and stretching your legs and body and arms), your own moods, your own personality. I am not developing a mini me - I'm developing a whole new person. Come to think of it, it quite saddened me that I don't have that much power over you. I mean, what if some day you make choices I don't agree with, and I can't WILL it that you stop making that decision? What if I want you to be a pilot but you want to be a... doctor?

So, that is lesson #1 I have to live with - baby is not a clay doll to shape as and how I please.

Baby,

Last Sunday, we were so looking forward to meet you. I was really excited because I am overly curious to find out your gender. Should I start browsing for boys' outfit, or adorable girls' clothes? Should I name you ******, or er, I haven't thought of a name of the other gender but I will leave it to Daddy coz I have thought of the name already *wink*

All the way to the clinic, I talked to you and cajoled you to let us have a glimpse of your youknowwhat. I was confident that you would listen to me - me, the one who suffered weeks of headache and morning sickness, and uneasy nights and everything (cough). Baby baik kan? Baby bukak kaki sikit ye...

We reached the clinic in time - the doctor was about to leave (today clinic opened half day). As usual, I am very glad to see the doctor. She is a very nice and pretty Indian lady and even if she may sound a bit serious, she can crack jokes and not as serious as she may appeared.

So, after taking my blood pressure, asking a few questions and telling me that my blood test went well (no diabetes, no whatever), once again I hopped onto the examination table (albeit a little less agile than those early months). The doctor started the scanning procedure as usual.

Baby,

You've grown so big since last time we met. This time, instead of moving actively like last scan, you were staying quiet and resolutely, in that fetal position. Head and body curled up against your legs and YOU CROSSED YOUR LEGS! WHY BABY WHY???

The doctor tried her best to wake you and make you move so she could have a glimpse of your youknowwhat. But no, you still stayed put, pretending to be asleep la tu. Padahal, before reaching the clinic you were busy kicking and somersaulting inside.

Oh baby!

If Mommy could reach inside and uncross your legs for you, Mommy would do that! That is how desperate mommy wants to know. Still, I have to respect your decision that: A. You are shy of showing the world your private part, B. You are not ready to announce your gender (maybe you don't like the name I have picked in mind for you), C. You are just being playful, like that time I was studying for Marketing exam, and you chose the moments I concentrated on my notes to kick but when I looked at my stomach to catch you in your act, you stayed silent, probably laughing at the idea of teasing Mommy.

Still, we are quite happy to know that you have grown bigger and we can already see the shape of your fingers and toes and everything (except the part down there). We love you sweetie. God has taken very good care of you even during moments when I could not.

Take care, my little one. May you come out healthy and happy.

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The moments Mom & Dad wait for...

Dear Baby,

Obviously, the moment we discovered about our pregnancy, we worry straight away. Worry why there's no morning sickness symptoms, worry how you're doing in there, worry why there's spotting every time you turned a week older, worry how you're doing in there, worry why everyone else seemed to feel movement at week15/16, worry how you're doing in there...

At Week 19, I vaguely feel some 'sensations' in my lower abdomen, some throbbings and unexplainable feelings of a having a whole universe busy at its own activities inside there. But since it is only happening inside and when I put my hands on my tummy to feel those movements and did not feel even the slightest of it, I felt that the whole thing is surreal. Just a figment of my imagination.

Until this week comes. Week 20.

I was obediently following doctor's order to stay in bed on Friday, watching tv and checking Facebook. Suddenly I felt something stirred inside. I placed my hand absent-mindedly just below my navel, and continued watching tv. A few minutes later, something poked out and I could actually feel it!

I stared at my tummy in disbelief, but I did not move my hand. A minute passed by, and then the same sensation of stirring came from inside again, and you poked my tummy again!

Baby,

I was amazed. That night I told Daddy, and he too wanted to feel that movement. But of course, nothing happened. Daddy was deeply disappointed.

Saturday came.

After iftar, I sat on the sofa, contented. I was reading Times Magazine, when I sensed stirring and throbbing sensations to the left of my lower abdomen. Once again, I put my hand on that area, and continued reading. Then it happened again. The Movement, with capital 'M'. I exclaimed loudly to Daddy, 'Cepat bang! Baby gerak lagi!'

Daddy came over in excitement and put his hand on my tummy and even his ear. You must be enjoying yourself, teasing Daddy because you did not repeat that again. He moved away, disappointed. Then you kicked again, and Mommy exclaimed again. Daddy bound over, this time determined to catch the moment.

Then you must have felt kesian with your ol' man, because you kicked again at the same spot. Daddy was thrilled! 'Ya lah! Abang pun rasa!' He placed his ear near that area but of course he could not hear anything la kan... That night, I was kept awake at 2am because that is the hour you party are most active and keep on poking me to the point I had to wake up your father to tell you to sleep. Besok aje main ye baby...

Baby,

Now that you are making big movements that we both could feel, you have no idea how relieved we are. We no longer have to spend endless days and nights worrying whether you are still surviving in there. Just feeling your movements can make us feel so much happier.

Thank you my little cupcake. And keep on surviving.

Love,
Mom & Dad

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Week 20: Oh baby!

Alhamdulillah... I couldn't thank God enough for giving me the strength and courage to face the turbulent first trimester journey... If I thought back about it, I will shudder and try to think of something else.

Baby is now at 20 weeks. Ramadhan had started yesterday. Ramadhan, the month we lost our first baby 2 years back. Somehow, aku berserah dan bertawakal sepenuhnya kepada Ilahi atas nyawa anakku ini. After all, from Him this baby cometh, and to Him he/she will returned...

So coming back to Ramadhan. I entered Ramadhan gingerly and cautiously. Since entering Week 19, my energy and appetite has slowly returned. I only threw up once last week - and that was more to psychological factor (i.e. brushing teeth automatically made me gag). And... if I did not eat on time, I will be so hungry till I shiver in hunger. So I had no idea whether I could complete fasting for a day.

Yesterday thank God again, I managed to last till the breaking of fast. But oh dear! We were so exhausted! Too exhausted till we fell asleep after Maghrib and then throughout the night till the next morning when hubby had to wake up to prepare sahur.

The exhaustion was due to the traffic jam we had to endure to go back (1 hour+). Then we had to cook meal for breaking of fast. I was simply tired from carrying the baby and fasting. So this morning I suggested we should go to work by bike to save time and energy to do our assignment tonight.

Hubby flatly refused my suggestion, saying that he doesn't want to endanger baby's life. I sulked - coz i hate traffic jam and I figured out that I had not had any problem of spotting / bleeding since June and I am already in my second trimester so the worry is unnecessary. So there we were, silent in the car because I know we'll reach home late and we'll be tired like yesterday.

Work as always. Sigh. I somehow found dealing with elderly clerk DOES test my patience... Especially clerk who thinks she's old enough to take any instructions from young executive like me. I mean, does she have to raise her voice at me just because I ask for clarifications? Or ask her to join a meeting first without me? Tiba-tiba terkenangkan the other elderly clerk I had to put up with when I first joined this company. Secretly, I hope this clerk will also get transferred elsewhere soon. I have enough problems to deal with and I don't need this extra emotional stress.

Anyway, by afternoon when I went to the restroom, I was dismayed to find that I had brownish blood on my pantyliner. It was not just spotting, this was like heavy discharge. I quickly washed up, stared in the mirror and held my tummy trying desperately to feel any movement.

Then I went out, managed to get hold of my boss to inform her of my finding and to get excuse to leave early to go to my clinic. Then I called hubby and he came within 30 minutes, I packed up and just left the office in haste. Despite it all, I took several deep breaths and tried to convince myself not to panic. This is just a test from God to see how sincere I am in saying that I trust Him with my baby's life...

Reached Samuel Clinic 2o minutes later. Luckily not so many patients in the clinic. I was relieved to see the familiar gentle face of our gynae despite my turbulent feelings. In worried tone, I told her I had bleeding again and described how the bleeding looked like. Then she took my blood pressure and then I was back on the check-up table for ultrasound scan.

The doctor, sensing my anxiety gently patted my hand and told me not to worry and that everything is fine. I was not convinced until I saw the baby's heartbeats. When she zoomed in, the first thing that caught my attention was the baby's movement - boy, it was enough to put me at rest immediately! The baby was actively moving, turning his/her body here and there, and the head as well. It was probably sucking his/her thumb, with legs crossed.

The doctor turned up the volume so we could hear baby's heartbeats (thumping strongly and normal-ly...) and hubby asked whether the baby is doing ok. The doctor reassured us that there is nothing wrong with the heartbeats and baby seemed quite active (phew!). I asked about the location of the placenta, still not satisfied with the unexplainable bleeding.

The doctor then pointed the placenta - it was behind baby, still blocking the entry. But, since it is only 2nd trimester, she said most probably the placenta will move away as the baby grows.

'Probably the baby's movement is causing the bleeding. But don't worry, as far as I'm concerned from this ultrasound scan, everything looks ok.' She said, and then added, 'Take care of your feelings, don't get stressed out and no need to worry. I'll give you one day mc so you can rest at home.'

Oh baby! You made us so scared! Suddenly I felt like crying - with relief. I can't bear the thought of losing another baby. I love you so much baby!

The good news, since we left office early, we managed to avoid massive queue and reached home half an hour earlier than yesterday. Maybe this is baby's way of solving mom and dad's disagreement amicably? Dad gets to drive to work and Mom gets to reach home early? Heh. Pandai anak mak! Nasib baik kau kat dalam perut, kalau tak mak cubit-cubit manja pipi baby tau... :p

All in all, I am thankful to God that baby is still alive and well inside of me. I pray that he/she will be born healthy and full-term. In the first place, syukur alhamdulillah for blessing us with this gift.

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