Letter to Myself.

Dear Self,

Yesterday was the first official antenatal checkup since confirming the pregnancy 5 weeks ago.

I know how much you love the idea of having another baby after so long.

How you long to hold a baby and nurse the baby.

This body has been bearing with pregnancy symptoms for several weeks now.

Nausea at night, extreme fatigue, bloating, warm body temperature.

But yesterday, I saw with my own eyes that there is just an empty sac.

No heartbeat as there should be at this week. No little bowed figure sucking its thumb.

It's just an empty home where a baby should be.

The doctor said most likely the baby did not develop. It's just a blighted embryo.

It's not my fault. It's just not meant to be.

In my heart, I accept this news.

And now you my dear body, have to learn to let go.

Stop having nausea. Stop all the pregnancy symptoms. 

Let go of the pregnancy.

Let it pass.

For Allah has better plans for you.

Let the body heal itself.

Dear Self,

I love you and I appreciate how this body has made the pregnancy happen in the first place.

But now it's time to let go, and resume the normal cycle.

It's ok.

I'm ok.

Just let it go.

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A Different Kind of Experience

Since my last post, I had been monitoring my pregnancy symptoms for 2 reasons - one, to make sure that the baby is still there (symptoms = healthy pregnancy) and two, to compare with my previous experiences.

With my 2 princesses, I had bad nausea and by week 9 (this week), I started vomiting in earnest. Trimester 1 was very tough for me with my two girls hence why although I very much wanted to get pregnant, I dreaded it very much.

This time around, I had nausea at night (throbbing headaches, extra saliva, and bad metallic taste in my mouth), thank God. I am so far fine during the day but come night time, get nauseated.

Not to say daytime is all bliss though. Around 11am onwards, my energy started to go downhill and I have no choice but to lie down and nap because I was too exhausted to stay awake.

Bloated tummy made me look like I am 6 months pregger, good gracious. I am going to find the time to resume my brisk walking after all this moving house business (this is the 2nd time we moved houses when I was pregnant) to help with digestion.

Alhamdulillah the terrible drowsiness which was the side effect of taking methyldopa had worn off so I wasn't sleepy all the time - just between 11am - 3pm.

Anyway, we've decided to do our monthly check ups at KKIA and only schedule appointment with PCMC when we hit 7 months' pregnancy. I don't see any reason to spend so much money on monthly check ups and based on my previous experiences I wanted to avoid being referred to see other specialists (and being charged extra!) whenever my doctor said I need to. Plus, if we decided to switch to government hospital at least we had our monthly check up records at government clinic.

So we'll be seeing you again next week at 10 weeks (hopefully), sayang. Till then, grow well and be healthy.

Love,

Mummy

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Praying For Everything to Be All Right.

Last week (week 6) is the week I was waiting for because we wanted to confirm our pregnancy through transvaginal ultrasound.

It's been so long since we were on this journey, that we were not sure where to go. In the end, we went to a specialist clinic in Wangsa Maju because it has a flawless rating on Google. Wow, mom & dad have certainly been out of touch with all this routine.

Alhamdulillah, doctor spotted a sac in there, although it was too early to see heartbeats. The clinic test kit also came back positive.

The doctor was being realistic when he said it was too early to put up any hope. Due to my medical condition (hypertension), he also wanted to run blood tests especially when I mention that my last medical checkup detected protein in urine. 

It was not surprising to us that he was concerned about this pregnancy, with me being in the 40s and having hypertension it was the right reaction. I on the other hand, leave it to God and trust that He knows best. Maybe the fact that I'm 40, my life outlook tends to be a lot more chill compared to previous pregnancies!

The good thing about this visit is the doctor changed my hypertension medication to methyldopa that is pregnancy safe since I was previously prescribed with amlodipine. Oh but how I dreaded taking this meds! It made me awfully sleepy and tired, like I had just run a marathon without a break. So I slept almost all the time, even almost falling asleep when I was brisk walking (to keep my weight gain in check).

Praying for everything to be all right, praying for a healthy and viable pregnancy, a safe and positive birth experience and a healthy baby at the end of this journey, ameen...

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The First to (Hopefully) The Many, Many Letters to My Fourth Child.

Speechless.

There's only one word to describe the discovery I made on 12 September 2022, 6.20am.

There had been signs, subtle signs that I simply mistook as Mrs Flow is coming for her monthly visits. Dull cramping the previous week's Tuesday. Sore boobs. Depressed mood.

And there were more - now that I recalled it. I remember being super exhausted and took a long long afternoon nap even though I had a restful and hit the target sleep duration the night before. Sunday 11 September 2022, I felt as if I was about to come down with fever and while going out for lunch with my sister and the girls I felt chills. 

I had doubts but nonetheless I decided to get a pregnancy test kit because my period was late.

That night I called hubby (he was in kampung because his grandfather passed away) and told him I was not feeling well. In his usual fashion, he told me to 'take a panadol' and get over it (yes, yes I've long accepted his very unromantic love).

I woke up to a full bladder, but I managed to grab the test kit and did it anyway. While waiting for the result, I washed up and went to wash my hands.

I had expected the result to be negative.

And here it was, as bright and clear as it could get:

I stared at it, not believing my eyes. We had stopped trying years ago and had accepted that we would only have our 2 girls who were born on our wedding anniversary. Of course we had spoken about trying for another one but I had always expected that it will be through another fertility treatment (oh, how this is so unexpected I don't know how to react!)

I don't know how long I sat down staring at the test kit, wondering if I should inform my dearest husband who had asked me to take a pill and chill the night before. In the end, I couldn't chill. I snapped a photo of the test kit and sent it to him.

A minute later, he told me that he is changing his flight to that night. I told him there was simply no need, but then again, that is how my dear child, your father shows his love. He doesn't sweet talk, but he will be there in a heartbeat when I need him.

Because I need him to freak out with me together. Freak out how to be a new parent after 10 years since your big sister, Khadeeja.

Love,

Mummy (I have come to accept that it is not me who determined the title, but it was your sisters who chose to call me Mummy not Ummi or Mak)

Dear Allah, we accept this blessing with open and hopeful hearts. We pray for this pregnancy to be healthy and peaceful journey. We pray for strengths. We pray for guidance. Ameen Ya Rabbal Alamin...

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Welcome Baby Khadeeja...

It seems like only yesterday when I discovered that I was pregnant with this adorable cherub. Welcome to our family, Khadeeja! Mommy is delighted to have another mini-me :)

Love,
Mak

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Week 37: Most probably our anniversary's 2nd precious gift

Assalamualaikum my child,

Right now, I am feeling your groove inside. You are stirring, probably getting more out of space than ever now. You move a lot even at this stage, I wonder how you'll be when you are outside my womb. Relieved maybe? Ahh.... so much space to kick out those cute little legs.

Baby K,

You are now considered as full-term baby. That means, whenever you decide to make a debut into this world, the chances that you will survive are quite high. Well done sweetheart! You make it this far, we make it this far baby! I love you so much, knowing that you inherit my strong survival will from the moment you were an embryo :)

But just to update you. After the good news in Week 32 (yeay, everything seems perfect!), things get a little bumpy around Week 34 to Week 36. Firstly, within those three weeks, I've managed to get myself admitted in the hospital twice. The first time is because the doctor is convinced that I have GDM but I did not take her seriously so she took a drastic step i.e. get me admitted so that my blood glucose can be monitored for the whole day.

Then just as I had accepted the fact that I may have GDM, in Week 35 I suddenly had strong contractions and Daddy rushed me to hospital. Turned out I had false labour but had to stay in the hospital again until the contractions subsided.

I'm not really sure why these things happened but I believe it happened for a reason that only God knows. What I do know is, after these little incidents, I started to take better care of my health for your sake. I watch my diet and manage to get my blood glucose level in check. I even lost some weight within these 2 weeks! o_0 Seriously, it never happened before!

My little sayang,

Let's come back to the title of the post - why I said that you will most probably make your appearance on our 6th wedding anniversary. You see, because my doctor thinks I have gestational diabetes, she is not willing to take the risk to allow me to carry you until 40th weeks. In fact, she is suggesting that I should be induced at Week 38 - yup, just a little over 1 week left now!

I am really concerned baby - this is going to be my first time to push a baby through my vajayjay since your elder sister was born through C-section. I visualised that it will be just like in a movie - my water break, I somehow managed to remain calm and practise all those breathing techniques and then you were delivered au naturel - no drugs required. Easy-peasy-breezy.

Then suddenly I am told that I have to be induced - or maybe have another C-sec. Understandably, I freaked out. I asked around and heard different stories from a lot of experienced mothers. Some said that being induced is more painful than having natural contractions. Some said the pain is the same, just quicker. Some said, it's not quick at all because it's forced dilation and can take hours to dilate to 10cm. Whatever it is, being induced does not seem like a favorable way to deliver a baby.

I questioned the doctor's judgment because I have successfully controlled my blood glucose level, you are the right size for your age (i.e. you are not oversized, thank God!), your water is not too much and not too little and the placenta is where it's supposed to be. So why insist that I should be induced rather than wait for the labour to come?

Dearest child,

This is where my judgment as a mother is tested. Should I heed the doctor's advice because the risk of you not surviving up to Week 40 is there due to whatever reason (placenta cannot provide nutrition and baby starved in womb and born a stillbirth), or should I heed my reason that things are under controlled and I want a stress-free natural birth? The question that I cannot answer is whether the risk is imminent enough to warrant an induced labour.

I have 2 weeks left to decide.

My precious baby,

I pray that you will be born healthy and alive. I'm convinced that you are doing ok right now but what happens during birth is beyond our control. Allah knows what's best for us and whatever fate He's decided for us, we must accept it. We, baby and Mommy, must put our trust and our lives in His hands and may He guide us to the right path.

Be healthy and enjoy the last weeks of being in my warm and safe womb. I love you so much.

Love,
Mommy

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Week 32: Almost there, but not quite there yet...

Dear Little K,

How are you doing in there, baby? Are you comfortable? I hope so. Now that you've grown a little bigger, I imagine the space in my tummy is getting a little snug for you. Not that it stops you from being very active - kicking, moving, stirring and doing unimaginable acrobatic moves that sometimes make me go - 'Oofff!' That elbow-jabbing thing? Please avoid it, darling.

My little one,

This week you turned 32 weeks. According to my pregnancy apps, should you ever decide to pop out now, your chance of survival is quite bright. However, let's just wait for a few more weeks, ok sweetie? Although yes, sometimes I do wish that you are already full-term and I could go on maternity leave anytime now because work is suffocating sometimes. I wished to dump everything, have a baby (safely, of course) and leave all the work problems behind. But I'm not that type of person. I like closure. I like doing things properly, handing over my job and then have a peace of mind. I hope when you grow up, you will be a responsible adult like Mommy (haha, ok well most of the time anyway). Don't make people hate you.

Ok, I'm digressing too much here.

The update that I have this week actually happened last week. Remember the week Dr Tan told us that she discovered amniotic band in the placenta? Well, it freaked me out a lot. So I pestered her into recommending me to go for a detailed scan. I just want to be prepared, dear. I know the risk is there, but at least if there is a risk of you being born with physical impairment, I want to be prepared. Don't fret, I would love you regardless of how you look like. But, as your mother, I want to ensure that you get the best medical treatment and coverage and perhaps, I will have to forego some of my plans to ensure that you get that.

So, we went to see another Dr Tan, who performed the detailed scan last week Thursday. I went with your dad, and I was glad that he was there too.

My darling child,

What a relief I got after I went for that detailed scan! Everything seemed to be ok. The amniotic band is not deterring your growth or anything, and the doctor declared that you seemed to be growing healthily. When he scanned your facial structure, he did not see any signs of cleft lips, your brain is developing ok, your heart is ok. You have all your fingers on your hands and feet, which are adorably curled up in that fetal position.

But the thing that makes me go 'aawww...' is the fact that your nose is shaped like your sister's (and mine). It's those cute button nose (I'm shameless to say that my nose is cute, but I like my nose!). It makes me look forward to finally meet  you in person, little baby. I pray that you will be as beautiful as your big sister.

Baby,

I have a confession to make. I have not been taking care of myself and my diet since I was pregnant with you. Maybe because from the word 'go', you seemed to be more enduring than your sister? I did not know I was pregnant with you when I went for that rough trip in the jungle terrain of Sarawak. Despite going through the bumps, the high altitude and also riding my bike to work every day, you seemed to be one strong little fella. I felt a lot calmer and confident when I am carrying you compared to the time when I was carrying your sister.

Perhaps that is why I am less disciplined when I'm having you. I did not stop drinking Coke occasionally, or having daily cups of caffeine-laden drinks (coffee, I mean) which I somehow take to the liking nowadays.

I stop taking my pregnancy supplement because I'm worried that you will grow too big to push through my vajayja (Alhamdulillah, despite skipping the supplement, you are still growing at the right pace). Yet, I worry that you might not get enough nutrients to ensure a healthy growth.

But the thing that makes me feel very, very guilty is I have not been reading Quran to you, baby. I know it's very good for your soul as well as mine to read verses from Quran while you are in my tummy. But somehow I'm too lazy... I keep promising that I will do it tomorrow, but tomorrow came and I still find excuses to skip this crucial ritual.

Daddy is always telling me that your sister turned out beautiful because I read Surah Yusuf when I was pregnant with her. But with you? Oh my dear baby, I'm so sorry!

My little pumpkin,

I pray to Allah that you will be protected from all evil. I believe in Him that he created all humans including you in a pure form. I want to be a good mother to you and your sister. I want you both to grow up not just physically healthy, but spiritually balanced as well. Right now I know I'm doing little to do that. Can you pray to God that Mommy will find the strength to read the Quran to you before you are born?

Before I end this letter, my sweetheart, I want to stress again how much I love you. You have never caused me much worry throughout this pregnancy. I know I have to thank Allah for that. For keeping you safe. I am so looking forward to meet you dear child. 8 more weeks. It's not a long time. In the mean time, I pray that I will be strong physically, mentally and spiritually to bring you to this world. I can't wait to cuddle you and shower you with kisses.


Love you always,
Mommy

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Week 25: May all my love and prayers be heard

Dear baby,

How are you doing in Mommy's tummy? Are you enjoying yourself rolling around and playing the poking games? I hope so. Sometimes I found it funny when your sis and you took turns kicking my tummy. Talk about early sibling rivalry!

Baby,

Today we went for six months' checkup. Mommy is happy that the blood pressure and weight gain are just fine.

But when it was time to do the ultrasound, something happened. After measuring your head circumference (normal), she spotted something that made her pause and pressed the scanner firmer on my lower tummy.

She concentrated so hard on something and only answered me in distracted manner. I thought she had probably seen another baby ('guess what? You're carrying twins!') but no. That wasn't what happened.

After the scan, we sat in front of her and she proceeded to draw a womb. She explained about the womb's structure - the placenta, the membrane and whatnots. Then she said, 'sometimes in between the amniotic sac there's another layer called the amniotic band.'

So I asked how does it affect your development because she looked rather worried just now.

She tried to make it sound light and reassuring, telling me that the one she spotted just now did not seem to affect you. It was after all just a thin membrane which she described 'as thin as a curtain layer' and hardly harmful.

But I was not convinced. I asked what is the worst case scenario? She replied that you could have moved actively and suddenly got tangled in the amniotic band. Then you will have some sort of signs around your limb.

She made it sound as if it was nothing too serious. But after that, I googled about the amniotic band and was so horrified to see pictures of babies' limbs after they got constricted in it - there's a medical term for it called 'ABS'. Some limbs couldn't be saved and had to be amputated because it didn't develop. Some babies ended up with cleft palate. In worst case scenario the band constricted the umbilical cord and cut off all oxygen and blood supply - resulting in fatal case.

Baby,

At this moment I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless especially since Dr Tan said there's nothing that we botch could do about it. Should I go for a detailed scan to confirm that it was indeed amniotic band or whether your hands / feet are safe? What if you already got tangled in it because I always feel that you only stick to one side of my tummy? How do I save you my child??

I just pray that we are in the not serious at all category where the band will just end up disappeared without causing you any harm.

Please, please, please baby... Stay away from the amniotic band and move carefully. I love you so much and don't want you to be hurt in any way.

Please don't make me worry.

Dear Allah,

I pray to You to have mercy on my child and protect her from any harms. But if it is meant to be, give me the courage and ways to cope with it.

Amin.

Love you always no matter what,
Mommy

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It's a...

Dear baby,

It's been a while since I last wrote about you. Did I mention how crestfallen I was during the last checkup because I couldn't see your gender? Well, it's not your fault, you were sleeping. Nevertheless I was looking forward to the next checkup which eventually came yesterday.

Yesterday you turned 5 months in my tummy. Hooray for baby! ;) Every day you make your presence felt especially after I had Iftar. You tended to kick and somersault as if you were so delighted that tasty food is passing the umbilical cord. Hehe.

Everybody was so sure that this time around I'm carrying a boy. This pregnancy felt quite different than the first one. Like, how my belly button is sinking in, not poking out. And how I am very concerned with my appearance compared to last time where I didn't give a hoot about makeup or maternity dress. Plus time time my belly is huge for a five month preggie!

But, today. During the scan (you moved this time, albeit not kicking or anything but just stirring inside), Dr Tan was able to have a glimpse of that part. And yeay, Mommy's having another girl! :)

But unlike when I first found out about your sister's gender, the doctor sounded unsure. Last time, the doctor at Samuel Clinic took a look and stated, 'it's a girl' with conviction.

This time, Dr Tan sounded, 'Doesn't look like a boy.' So I took it that you're not a boy.

Boy or girl, we're just happy that you're growing well in there. You measured your age (not big nor small for your age), and active. Daddy was not surprised that you are a girl, because I once told him of a dream I had before I fell pregnant with your sister, of us taking Raya photo - me, Daddy and two little girls whose age are not far apart.

I pray that you will be healthy and safe for the rest of this pregnancy. Happy thriving baby! And I love you as much as I love your sister, Khayla.

Love,
Mommy

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Week 16: Boy? Girl?

Last Saturday, we went for my fourth month checkup.

I was looking forward to this checkup. Everyone has been telling me that I am different compared to when I was pregnant with Khayla. I am less cranky (yes, sometimes I do raise my voice in the office, but not all the time now), I fuss about my appearance, and I have a worse morning sickness than last time.

So expectations are running high that I might be carrying a boy this time.

So, after the usual blood pressure test, weighing, peeing and whatnots, I was called into my gynae's room. It was quite early in the morning, so service was quite fast. Dr Tan was also able to spare longer time to discuss about issues and concerns that I raised.

But first, the ultrasound scan.

I hopped onto the examining bed, and stared excitedly at the screen. Dr Tan had the roller on my tummy and we had a glimpse of the baby (wow, double the size compared to last month!). She measured the head circumference and in a pleased voice noted that baby is exactly his/her age - 16weeks.

She then measured the body, and then the femur bone (also appropriate size for a 16-week pregnancy.

Then I asked the million dollar question - 'So doc, is it a boy or a girl?'

She tried to scan at that area but once again, like Khayla did before, baby had his/her legs closed and did not even budge from his/her position!

Baby is also not moving as active as last checkup, which could only mean that he/she is sleeping. Hmm. I should have drunk coffee before I went for the checkup (haha, kidding!).

So, there goes another month guessing the gender.

But I'm glad baby is doing fine and growing healthily in there, Alhamdulillah. Congratulations, baby. Mommy and Daddy love you so much.

Love,
Mommy

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Week 14: The toilet sink and me

I want to laugh when I think about how I look forward to Week 13. The end of trimester 1, restored health and sanity.

But now I'm at Week 14 and life is still a game plan for me. The toilet sink is still my best friend. I'm glad I invest in a wide sink.

Anyway, I've grown so huge that people thought I'm already 6 months pregger when I'm barely in my fourth month! It makes me wonder whether I'm carrying twins.

For the past two weeks, I've managed to gain 2kg! How distressing.

I think I'd better stop whining so much about how much suffering I'm going through. At least it means baby is doing fine in there. Well, I still hope miraculously there are 2 babies in there so at least I can tell people that I'm huge coz of that.

Baby(ies), mommy love you. Please don't take heart on what mommy is writing here. I'm just letting it out of my chest so I don't have to keep all this misery inside. I just want to focus on being thrilled for having you, just like how I felt with your elder sister.

And Daddy is also as thrilled as I am. He has been helping out with the cooking, cleaning, washing and looking after your sister so I could rest. It's not his fault that he couldn't show as much concern towards me as before coz his hands are full with the housework and your sister. So at the moment, we'll look after each other, ok baby(ies)?

Love,
Mommy

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Week 12 - Yiye! Baby waved!

We had our scheduled antenatal checkup last Saturday (9 June). This time, hubby joined in as well, so did Khayla.

When the doctor scanned the baby, I was really surprised to see how big it has grown compared to a fortnight ago! Yeay baby!

And the best thing is, the baby has started to move :) it was entertaining to see the baby moving around, and being very active. Last time with Khayla, she wasn't as active as this one.

At one point, baby lifted its hand and we can see the outline of its bone fingers on the monitor! It seemed to be waving at us, the dear one! And Khayla waved back! :) Gosh, now I can't stop writing with exclamation mark, it was such an exciting moment :)

Dr Tan said baby is growing well and healthy although she's a bit concerned with my pale appearance. But I assured her that I'm taking my pills and multivitamin so she didn't ask so much questions.

Our next appointment is next month. And hmm, it might be a bit weird but I sometimes can feel my baby wriggling in my lower tummy, although I'm only 3 months' pregnant.

Can't wait for my pregnancy to be in its fourth month!

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Week 11 - A terrible suffering :(

I'm inching slowly out of trimester 1. I'm thankful that my pregnancy is still progressing healthily, but oh my! The suffering I had to go through! To the point that when I was miserably lying down with terrible nausea and headache, I thought that I don't ever want to get pregnant again!

The peak of my suffering is when I had to be hospitalised for 2 days last week due to dehydration and because I couldn't stop vomiting.

Truth is, I wouldn't half mind the vomiting if I could lose weight like Jen did or Kak Za. But that's not happening to me. Although I vomit endlessly, the most weight I lost is - 0. Depressing.

In my condition, the fact that I get to stay in 5-star hospital was irrelevant. Being hooked up to the drip overnight was very uncomfortable. Thank God hubby agreed to take emergency leave to accompany me - after all I reminded him that we are in this together.

The good thing after that the hospital supplied me 2 weeks supply of anti-vomit pills. At least it improved my condition when i need my sanity the most. The catch is, its side effect makes me sleepy.

I'm still looking forward to enter second trimester. Hopefully by week 13 my nausea will vanish into thin air!

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Week 9 (most likely!)

A couple of weeks ago, I went to PCMC for my first of the many, many weeks of pre-natal check ups (Insya Allah).

This time around, I'm seeing Dr Tan Ay Eeng, not Dr Seri Suniza anymore coz she's always busy.

Guess what? When she finally scanned me, the pregnancy turned out to be waayyyyy earlier than the earlier clinic estimated. My heart also sank to the bottom of the sea - I was looking forward to leave trimester 1!

So now I'm back to Week 9. The week I suspected that I was pregnant was actually my Week 4. Maybe because I had been pregnant before, so my body is good at recognizing the symptoms earlier this time around.

The scan also showed that it's a viable pregnancy meaning that my lil' one has developed heartbeats. Yeay, lil' one! Good job thriving in there! :)

The couple of weeks I went through was thankfully over. I think this time around I vomit less, but I am more mabuk. It's because I cannot vomit, so my head constantly feels like being underwater. I desperately want to vomit but when I do gag, all that came out is just water and sour-ish taste (yucks!).

Next year I'm going to use protection after I stop breastfeeding.

So looking forward to Week 10.

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Week 10?

I don't know why every time I got pregnant I got confused at which week I am now. Three weeks back the doctor who confirmed my pregnancy said I was already 7 weeks but my apps told me I am now only at week 9.

Isn't that puzzling and frustrating at the same time?

Anyway, at this week 9/10, I just want to pass trimester 1 as quickly as possible. I am starting my morning sickness but dear God, please spare me the agony!

What can I say about this week? Headache, nausea, vomit, attempts to vomit but just spit out a lot of saliva, vomit some water, more painful attempts to vomit just to get it over an done with (coz the nausea just won't leave me until I got rid of my stomach content), vomit lunch, vomit breakfast and vomit vomit vomit!

Tired of the word vomit? Want to change it with puke instead?

Bottom line is, it's not a pleasant week, it's those weeks that you just want to put behind and forget about it ever. It's the kind of week where you just go through life half-awake, drowning in your own pain of either vomiting or trying not to, or just trying to focus amidst the throbbing headache.

I just wish it's already week 13. 13 seems like a lovely number now.

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I forgot this weird feeling...

... And it's back.

As delightful it is to find that we're expecting, there's also the not-so-joyful moment of getting used to being pregnant again.

Although I'm better off this time (no vomiting as yet and let's pray that there will be none ever this time around!), there are still symptoms that I have to endure.

Since I found out about the pregnancy I had been on standby for the nasty symptoms of terrible headache, gassy tummy, and of course being Mrs Puke and then dying a slow grueling death afterwards.

Week 7 passed by - ok. In fact I was energetic and all worked up that I could even did house cleaning myself including mopping the whole house and doing rounds of laundry, etc.

Week 8. I got tired. Easily. My energy seems to wind down and I had to exert more energy to stay focused. Occasionally I felt nauseous but I convinced that I don't want to start that ugly morning sickness phase this early. If it had to happen, i'd like to have it at the very last week of trimester 1 so I could enjoy the rest of my experience. But still I was discipline enough to keep my appearance well - I started using makeup again prompting so many questions at work.

Week 9. I'm finding it more of a struggle to focus - I forgot that pregnancy also made me feel as I I had my head kept under water and everything is murky, soggy and uncomprehending. Not good for my studying side and even worse for my work.

I am still grateful that other than that I'm still well enough to fetch my daughter and played with her. I don't want her to feel that I'm neglecting her.

Just that I also wish that those pampers and love I received from hubby when I was pregnant with Khayla would not dwindle or lessen this time around.

Like my back and right calf are feeling stiff right now after driving all the way to Bangi, yet I don't get that readily available massage I used to get last time.

Oh well. I'll just settle with not having early morning sickness, that is good enough.

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A new bun in the oven?

Today we were blessed with another joy of finding out that we are pregnant - for the second time! Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah for bestowing this gift to us :)

Actually we knew about it since last Tuesday - I had been feeling weird lately. My tummy felt bloated in the way that only pregnancy can make me feel that way. And, I had been burping a lot.

So once again I had this feeling that I might be pregnant though it was not as nagging and intense as the time when I was pregnant with Khayla.

I finally decided to test it on Tuesday night. After the delivery people came to deliver our brand new fridge (yeay!) I went to a pharmacy in Sri Gombak with my little girl to buy pregnancy test kits.

This time I bought 2 kits - just in case the first one produced inconclusive result.

I came home and immediately did the test - this time instead of having to wait for a few moments, the second line appeared almost immediately, albeit faded line.

I couldn't believe my eyes so I went out and showed the result to my sister who also couldn't tell whether the second line was really there.

So I gulped down another mug of water and repeated the test. Again the same thing happened that convinced me slightly that I could be pregnant - again!

When hubby came back from class, I showed him the tests and asked him to buy a more expensive test kit. He did.

The third time I tested, the second line took a while to appear AND it appeared - also a faint line.

The next day I confided in my closest colleague at work about it and she was so overjoyed that she clapped hands! I told her to keep it down and cautioned it might be false alarm as the line appeared faint. She suggested we bought a new test kit (also an expensive kit) during lunch break and re-tested - so I did. I also bought some pre-natal vitamins just in case I am really pregger.

This time it was slightly clearer than my first three attempts.

But after a day of relishing the thought that I might be pregnant - the symptoms lessened and once again I was left wondering whether it was even real - perhaps the pregnancy didn't thrive overnight and I am no longer pregnant?

To confirm it, today we finally went to Klinik Idzham to see a doctor. As usual, I had to pee in a bottle and the nurse did the same test I did at home.

When our turn was called, the doctor (her name is Dr Rubiah, by the way) confirmed the news - yup, we're having another baby! ^_^

Hubby patted my shoulder in delight and congratulated me. We told the news to our unimpressed toddler. All in all, today is a happy day for us :)

By the way, I did not have an ultrasound scan coz the doctor said it's too early to be seen via ultrasound - so she just gauged my pregnancy by asking my first day of last period (23 February).

According to her estimate I am now 7 weeks 2 days pregnant. I forgot to check when my due date will be, but thank God for my iPhone apps, I found out that I may be having another December baby!

It just felt strange to fall pregnant so easily after struggling with sub-infertility for almost 4 years but I'm not complaining :) I feel relieved that I can conceive naturally like other people.

And unlike my first pregnancy, this time I only realized that I am pregnant after almost reaching month 2 - last time I found out earlier coz my boobs ached so much.

Hopefully this pregnancy will be smooth-sailing (no morning sickness please!).

We're looking forward to welcome our second baby into our lives. But we leave it to God. Insya Allah, if it is meant to be, we'll be parents for the second time.

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Welcome Baby Khayla...

After months of waiting with bated breaths, here you are finally. My beautiful child, thank you for making my day. My life feels blessed with your presence.

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Week 37: The Very Last Week of Life in Uterus.

Dear Baby Girl,

It seemed like only yesterday I found out about the pregnancy and the indescribable joy that came with the knowledge. After almost 4 years of being married, and FINALLY, finally we are able to conceive.

After the joy, we were scared, really scared that we will lose you. My earlier days of pregnancy was a rather bleak and cautious time for the both of us as we waited with bated breath and lots of prayers for your survival.

But you my child, are strong. God meant for you to live this long, to Insya Allah take the first breath of air this coming week. I still remember whispering a prayer to God, 'Ye Allah, this child inside of me, I trust her life in Your Hands. If she lives, it is through Your Grace, and I thank You for this blessing. If she does not live, I believe that it is her destiny and You know what is best for her and for us.'

My sweet little girl,

Soon, you will be born into this world. How many times have I closed my eyes and imagined the moment you will be placed on my chest, no doubt crying in bewilderment at the sudden gust of cold air after spending 9 months cocooned in the warm, soothing uterus you are used to now. Yes, it is getting more snug and at times, annoyingly uncomfortable as you grow bigger and your home gets smaller. But that cry will soon be placated as you hear the familiar heartbeats and your eyes opened unseeingly in wonder at the warm skin you felt against yours. You will hear the familiar voice soothing you but the voices are no longer muffled, feel hands touching your back as your fingers uncurl and start to search around for something to soothe you.

I imagine how beautiful will those moments be as we finally get to meet you. I imagine that I will be overwhelmed with happiness, crying at the sight of you, and Daddy too, will be crying. Baby, those are the imaginations that lifted my spirit, kept me going even when I was ready to give up on the world, and made me smile even when you kicked me so hard it hurt sometimes. Baby, one day you will know this feeling. It is called motherhood.

My dear child,

Perhaps the next best thing after finding out about the pregnancy is finding out that you will making your début on our 4th wedding anniversary, Insya Allah. In many ways, we have always regarded you as God's gift to us for making it to our 4th year of marriage. But we never (ok, I admit that I have been hoping that you will be coming out on 15th December even though you are due 2 weeks after our wedding anniversary) intended that you will be born on that date itself! If not for this placenta previa problem, I am positive that you will be a New Year baby and that I will be having a normal labour. BUT... God has other plans and lesson learnt, be careful what you wish for. Hehe.

During my last visit to the doctor, she pointed out that the placenta has totally blocked the opening of the uterus and makes it difficult, if not impossible, for you to make your journey into the world through the birth canal. She went on to conclude that the safest way to deliver you is through C-section.

I was of course, quite disappointed to hear that. I asked whether it is really not possible to move the placenta out of the way but she said it is extremely risky, not after waiting for 4 years to have a baby anyway. You see, I have been preparing myself for normal delivery - even put my mind firmly to the thought of having a drug-free birth. That means, no epidural will be requested.

But. What matters most is not what I want, but what is best for you. So, if the doctor thinks that the safest passage for you to enter this world through C-sect, I will certainly oblige this. Some day baby, remember that your mother loves you very much to suffer so much pain for you. Even give her life to you.

I am waiting eagerly sweetheart, for your arrival. Come, my child, into my open arms. The moment of waiting is nearly over.

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Week 27: It's A Girl!

Dear Baby,

It's been a while since we last met you. 5 whole weeks! Phew. But nevertheless, your presence is always felt. You are getting stronger and stronger, kicking and moving, and doing all sorts of cute and not-so-cute (e.g. when you kick too hard you make me go, 'Ooff!') stuffs inside there.

Raya had been a blast. Except for the part when the flight landed and it was quite a bumpy landing. For the whole day, you did not move. We were quite worried at that time, and made it a point to go to the hospital if I still did not feel you move the following day. To make matters worst, we had food poisoning the next day *shudder*. But, luckily by the the third day of Hari Raya, I felt you stirring inside. Then everything went back to normal and Raya had never been more fun. I mean, I don't have to answer anymore 'So, when are you guys going to have children?' questions by busybodies.

I miss home already when I think of it. I miss your Grandma, and her cooking. I ate too much that by the time I came back after hols, everyone thought I was about to pop already coz I GOT SO BIG! I know I should start exercising soon, but things had been quite hectic since we came back that I never managed to find the time *lame excuse, Mommy...*

(Anyway, I only put on 3.5kg, an extra 2+kg from the last visit. So, it's still manageable right?)

Baby,

We went for our monthly check-up last night. Once again, I was really, really excited to know your gender. Boy? Girl? Once again, I coaxed you to 'open up' to the doctor, so we could find out the most awaited news since you were conceived. I guess last night you were in a good mood, so you obliged.

Before that, I wanted to share with you Daddy's dream. Last week, Daddy told me that he dreamed about our baby's gender. We were in a hospital (apparently I had safely delivered), and then the doctor came carrying our little bundle of joy. The doctor placed the baby in the baby cot, and out of curiousity, Daddy went over to see the baby's sex. So, he pried aside the nappy and saw... no balls. That means, girl.

I was overjoyed after he related his dream but Daddy remained skeptical. You see, Daddy being a big boy, wants a boy as firstborn. Mommy being a big girl, wants a girl as firstborn. Look at how responsible is your Aunty Liza? I long for a little girl who will grow up a responsible young lady who looks after her siblings. BUT, in actual truth, we don't mind if it's a boy or a girl. Either one is still our child, the most awaited child since we were ready to become parents. So, don't you worry your little head that one of us may like you less because of your gender, coz baby, we love you no matter what :)

Back to last night.

As usual, after checking my blood pressure (and gently reprimanding me for putting on weight), the doctor asked me to lie down on the exam table. As soon as I was settled in, the doctor started the ultrasound scan.

Masya Allah, you have certainly grown bigger my child. I love the way you suckle your thumb, and yes, kicking and moving. It's the cutest sight I've ever seen *grin from ear to ear* And at one time the doctor was probing my tummy to measure your thigh bone, you kick and I could feel that movement. It was simply magical!

After doctor has finished measuring whatever needs to be measured, I asked her whether (cough), it's possible to see your gender now. She then scanned downwards to that part of your anatomy. And Alhamdulillah, you were very cooperative.

'Looks like a girl.' She said. I couldn't believe my ears. So, Daddy's dream was true? I flashed a grin and a victory sign at Daddy (yeaay! Mommy's little girl!). Daddy spoke up.

'How do you know Doctor?'

'You see this part, looks like lips?' She zoomed in on that particular part and I could see what she meant. Yup, definitely a girl.

OMG. I'm so excited. I'm getting a little girl! I have always imagined of baking cakes together with my little girl, or sharing stories and stuffs. Inside, I sort of sensed that you will be a girl, the way you are sort of shy with strangers (like you will stay quiet whenever you hear unfamiliar voices talking to me), and lately, I have become quite fussy with my appearance (typical mommy-to-be carrying a girl).

My little girl,

Thank you for obliging Mommy's request. I love you and I couldn't wait to hold you in my arms. Just 13 weeks or 90 days to go!

Love,

Mommy (a very proud mommy)

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